My friends Jenny and Jon* always seemed like the perfect couple. They laugh at each other’s jokes, eat off each other’s plates, and have just the right amount of competitive spirit as they play Euchre and “That’s Not a Hat.”
So I was surprised when Jenny said they were going to couples therapy. Of course my brain switched to the dark side. Did he cheat on her? Did he have a secret family? Did he even like card games?
Before I got too deep, Jenny said that they had argued over small things and that she didn’t feel heard in their relationship. She said couples therapy helped them get back on the same page and enjoy time together again.
Ironically, when couples therapy began in the 1930s, it didn’t have much to do with partner interaction. Couples had individual, separate therapy sessions focused on individual issues, which actually sounds like individual therapy. But I digress.
Over the decades, couples therapy has had its a-ha moment: Couples were brought together in a room with a licensed therapist. More than 7 in 10 psychotherapists now offer couples therapy, and research shows that up to half of couples in the United States have tried therapy.
But how do you know if couples therapy is right for you and your partner?
What is couples therapy?
Couples therapy — also called marriage therapy if you’re serious — is exactly what it sounds like. People in relationships talk to licensed therapists to work on a variety of relationship issues.
“The most common reasons people come to couples therapy include a lack of communication, an inability to regulate emotions, or the need to learn skills to cope with everyday stress,” said psychotherapist and marriage therapist Robin Hamilton of LCMFT. “It could also be that conflicts arise over and over again in the relationship over the same issues. If there has been infidelity or a similar incident, people come to therapy because they feel a lack of trust. Finances are also a common reason.”
Relationship therapist Erin Pash, LMFT, said that most couples therapy sessions begin with the therapist reviewing what issues have arisen since the last visit before addressing the conflict or pattern that is happening with the couple in real time. “Sometimes it involves replaying a recent fight in the room so the therapist can see the dynamic firsthand rather than just hearing about it secondhand,” Pash said. “Expect to be asked to slow down and notice your own reactions, not just state your point of view.”
Of course, no two relationships are the same, so therapists use a combination of techniques depending on the couple’s needs.
Common couples therapy techniques include:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy — Recognize and change negative behaviors and thought patterns
- Emotion-focused therapy – Addressing a lack of emotional connection and creating bonds through bonding and vulnerability exercises
- Therapy according to the Gottman method – Recognize destructive communication patterns and replace them with positive habits and connections
Hamilton said therapy sessions are a safe space to be transparent without judgment and an opportunity for both people to share their feelings and concerns.
“Couples can expect to learn things they didn’t know. They can look forward to learning new skills to deal with the emotions associated with their current concerns or experiencing new challenges that will test their patience and require them to recognize the role they may be playing in the dysfunctional aspects of the relationship.”
Read: Lessons from Kintsugi: 4 Tips to Help Couples Rebuild After a Break >>
Goals of couples therapy
Spoiler: Couples therapy won’t magically elevate your relationship to Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell status. However, the general goals of couples therapy include improving communication, strengthening emotional connection, reducing conflict, and increasing overall satisfaction in your relationship.
Pash said successful couples therapy helps both people understand the pattern they are stuck in and find a way to deal with conflict without making one or both people feel unseen. “Good couples therapy gives a couple a common language for what is actually happening between them, rather than each partner defending their own version of events.”
So how do you know if you should consider couples therapy?
“People consider couples therapy when the problems they are experiencing cannot be resolved and continue to occur,” Hamilton said. “As resentment builds, communication often breaks down and becomes difficult.”
Issues such as a lack of intimacy in the relationship or seeking therapy before a major life event such as marriage, moving in together, or a large financial commitment are also situations where people may want to consider couples therapy.
Couples therapy and midlife
Midlife can mean new challenges (thanks, menopause!) and life events that can have a serious impact on personal relationships and the way you interact with your partner. Physical and hormonal changes, financial fears, mortality, and sexual changes are all factors that can put strain on your relationship.
“In the middle of life, many long-deferred problems suddenly arise – children leaving home and couples suddenly confronting each other without buffering each other, resentments that have been quietly building for years, inappropriate expectations of retirement or aging parents, infidelity or simply the realization that you have been living a life together in parallel instead of a life together,” Pash said. “It’s less likely to be a single crisis, but rather a cluster that is finally getting loud enough to address.”
Regardless of the reason, any personal change or emotional upheaval can shake the foundation of a relationship. But as you embrace change and recognize that your relationship might change too, you can anticipate and prioritize communication with your partner.
“During this period of life, priorities, family dynamics, certain expectations and even sexual needs change. Knowing this, the woman can gain a clearer understanding of what is happening to her and in her relationship,” Hamilton said.
Read: Good Sex with Emily Jamea: Maintaining a Strong Sexual Connection in Midlife >>
Does couples therapy work?
You don’t have to be Dr. Ruth to recognize the potential benefits of couples therapy. A recent meta-analysis of more than 2,000 couples found that couples therapy had an overall positive impact on relationships, including improving communication and satisfaction, and that the effects were long-lasting.
“There’s no set number, but many couples notice changes in the first two to three months if they do the work between sessions rather than just during sessions,” Pash said. “Some couples come for a specific period of time to resolve a specific issue, others use it longer-term to tune in. The progress is usually less “The fighting has stopped” and more “We fight differently now.”
It is important to note that not everyone benefits from couples therapy, and more serious relationship issues and conflicts such as addiction and abuse may require specialized care.
Find a psychologist for couples therapy
There are several types of doctors who typically provide couples therapy, including licensed therapists and psychologists.
Pash said to find someone specifically trained in couples work — not just an individual therapist who also treats couples — and not to be afraid to interview a few before committing. “A good early sign is a therapist who can represent both partners’ perspectives without either partner feeling like the therapist has chosen a side,” she said.
Insurance coverage can be a problem when it comes to couples therapy. Therefore, check your insurance coverage and determine the deductible before making an appointment. Some sessions can cost hundreds of dollars.
Survey says couples therapy is cool
These days, it’s more common to start a sentence with “My therapist said…” than to avoid the topic of therapy entirely. And people are gravitating toward couples therapy: In a 2026 survey of couples in treatment, 99% said therapy had had a positive impact on their relationship, and many said they believed couples therapy had helped prevent their relationship problems before they began.
To be clear, couples therapy doesn’t mean you have a happy life – relationships require work and noise-cancelling headphones. However, if you and your partner both want help in your relationship, couples therapy may be an option worth considering. After all, there is no “I” in the team.
*Jenny and Jon are not their real names.
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