It is indeed a dilemma that doesn’t get discussed enough. And although the clip that you’re about to watch is of two people (Joan and Toni from the series Girlfriendsfrom back in the day) who were indeed toxic for each other (if ya know, ya know) — I still thought it was relevant to this topic. Why? Because, if you’re not careful, even when it comes to someone who is a good friend to you, if you don’t figure out how to handle their own life’s toxicity, you will still find yourself feeling like Joan does here.
Indeed, when people make poor choices and you are always there to clean up the consequences (or just constantly have a front seat) of them on some level, on a good day, it can drain you — on a bad day, you can feel totally taken advantage of. And then that can bring you to a point and place where you would rather lose the friendship (check out “12 Women Told Me ‘The Final Straw’ With Their Former Besties”) if the payoff means getting/maintaining some peace.
Y’all, wouldn’t it be great if it didn’t have to get to that point? And that’s just what we’re going to hit on today: what you can — and probably should — do if/when you’ve got a really good friend…who constantly makes really toxic decisions.
Ask
Yourself: Is It a Situation or a Pattern?
When a substance is toxic, that means that it contains something that is harmful. When something is harmful, that means it has the ability to cause physical and/or mental damage. And what that means is it has a high potential for leading to outcomes that could prove to be catastrophic, that could cause a significant amount of pain, and/or that could be risky as hell in the sense of showing high signs of being a liability and not an asset. I think it’s important to say all of that because “toxic” is used so much in our culture these days that it needs to be clarified what it actually means, is…and does.
I have a friend who makes really toxic decisions when it comes to her romantic relationships. Have mercy, when it comes to her choices in men, I can’t name one, since I’ve known her, who has treated her right or well. Listen, if it were just one guy, that would be one thing because, if a lot of us were honest with ourselves, we’ve entertained and/or dated and/or slept with and/or been in a relationship with someone who checks all of the boxes that define what toxicity is all about.
However, if it is multiple guys? That speaks to there being a pattern, which, in this case, is defined as being “a combination of qualities, acts, tendencies, etc., forming a consistent or characteristic arrangement” — which means that the pattern isn’t just revealed in the relationship but with some things that are going on within the person who keeps choosing unhealthy relationships too.
In other words, if someone keeps getting into a toxic dynamic, chances are, there is some toxicity going on within themselves or they would never even select those types of individuals in the first place. And if that is indeed the case, they need to do some self-reflecting, they probably need to get some counseling and they need to be willing to be held accountable. AND ALL OF THOSE CHOICES ARE ENTIRELY UP TO THEM. NOT YOU.
And here’s the thing: If they do decide to remain in the pattern and you choose to coddle them through it instead of recommending the steps that I just shared, you will also find yourself in a pattern of enabling unhealthy behavior. See, social media will be out here saying that a good friend supports their friends no matter what. THAT IS A LIE. A good friend loves their friend no matter what…and sometimes loving them means making them aware of the hamster wheel they are in that they may be in denial about or trying to deflect away from.
So yes, the first step that must be taken on your part, is assessing if what is transpiring (whatever “it” may be) is a current situation or a long-term pattern. They are quite different.
Don’t Emotionally Invest Like It’s YOUR Problem
It is actually actor Phylicia Rashad who is given the credit for saying, “You have to learn to care about people without taking on all of their problems.” Hmph. That reminds me of something that I once heard an artist by the name of Joey Kibble once say in a sermon: “Be careful about who you decide to ‘stand in the gap’ for because, what you’re essentially saying is, you’re willing to catch some of their warfare before they even do.” #whewchile
When you deeply care about someone, it’s natural (and understandable) to want to help buffer some of their pain as much as possible. Problem with that is, oftentimes, you can find yourself more invested in getting them out of their mess than they even are. The other issue with that? Sometimes people need to go through a certain level of discomfort because they will not learn what they need to any other way (because they are choosing to learn the hard way but that’s another matter for another time).
Not to mention the fact that taking on their stuff like it’s your own will start to drain the time, effort, and energy that you need in order to live your own life. Y’all, take it from me, there is nothing like looking up and realizing that you are trying to handle someone else’s problems as if they are your own when they aren’t nearly as interested or invested…because they don’t see what they are doing as problematic as you do (at least not…yet).
At the end of the day, when it comes to friends who make unhealthy decisions, all you can do is advise them — and even then, use discretion with that because if they don’t want to hear it, all you’re doing is “casting pearls before swine” (so to speak — Matthew 7:6), which can also be triggering, because you’ll be thinking that you’re imparting wisdom and solutions when they would rather just roll around in their counterproductivity…all the while keeping you in their cul-de-sac of nonsense.
Remember:
They Are Your FRIEND not Your CHILD
I promise you that you will never be more free than the day that you learn the difference between who you are responsible FOR vs. who you are responsible TO and, as women, we are responsible for ourselves and our underage children; everyone else, we are responsible to. This means that no, we should never be taking on a friend as if they were our children. We can support, we can encourage, we can listen, we can offer help (when they ask for it; sometimes people are fine in their mess in the sense that they never asked us to help them out of it to begin with) yet we’re not supposed to extend ourselves to the point where we would if it was our young child who was making unwise decisions.
Listen, between being raised by a controlling mother and having a strong personality myself, it took me a lot of my 30s and beginning of my 40s to realize that even if some of my friends make what appear to be immature choices, they are still an adult and to not give them the full space to do whatever they wish with their life is not only controlling, it’s not honoring them as an adult and an individual — and that comes with its own form of disrespect and control.
Friends are not children. Children need our protection. Friends need us to remind them to protect themselves. Again, BIG DIFFERENCE.
Hold
Them Accountable to the Boundaries That You Set
You can’t want to do more for someone’s situation than they are willing to do for themselves. Coming to that conclusion is the first boundary that you need to set for yourself. The second? Triggering your own self by continually asking about the situation/issue/pattern/lifestyle, when you pretty much know that you’re only going to get the same answer(s).
Listen, if someone is willing to hurt their own selves with the choices that they make, why would you expect them to be more hypersensitive about sparing you from the fallout of it all? If they were good with boundaries, there would be no toxicity to talk about in the first place. So yes, making sure that you are not collateral damage, by asking them to throw their “emotional throw-up,” on you? That needs to be a supreme priority.
A good example of this? My father will be gone for 10 years next month. Due to a lot of trauma from his childhood and young adult life, that turned him into an on-again-off-again substance abuser. And although I always felt extremely loved by him and, for the most part, we had a pretty solid relationship, I could always tell when he was drunk or high because 1) the time of day that he would call; 2) the way that he would talk about certain people, and 3) how he would make up excuses to try and get some money out of me.
Over time, I learned to have boundary-setting conversations with him (when he was sober) about the fact that I would not be taking his calls when he was like that because they ultimately didn’t benefit either one of us.
And along this same fashion, with people in my life who stay in toxic situations — and are aware of that very fact — I’ve had to set limits too. For my own sanity’s sake, I can’t be the one who you call when (for example) keep misspending money, expecting me to feel so bad for you that I give you some; especially if it’s going to jeopardize my own budget. If you just want someone to listen, I can do that — up to a point. If you need help putting a plan together, I will make time for that as well.
Oh, but if you want me to enable you through the foolishness, you’ve got to call someone else — for my sake and, ultimately, our friendship’s sake too.
If
They’re Abusing Themselves, Refuse to Be Complicit
Lawd, few sayings irk me more than the oh-so-very-popular, “If you like it, I love it.” SMDH. Although I get that what that basically means is, “Do you, sis. Do you,” words have power, and no, you shouldn’t even verbally, in jest, cosign on nonsense. That said, the friend who I mentioned earlier, the guy who she is involved with now, he’s a blast from the past and, in many ways, is probably the worst one to date. I say that because he has been horrendously gaslight-y, he is the king of playing the victim and he has said and done some things in his hyper-emotional state that are totally unjustifiable.
Meanwhile, my friend makes excuses for why she still stands by and supports him. Can I control that? No. Should I support it? Also no.
To support toxicity means that you are being complicit because complicit means “choosing to be involved in an illegal or questionable act, especially with others.” How can I love you and CHOOSE to cosign on unhealthy behavior? Listen, I can respect — no, accept — the fact that you have every right in the world to do whatever you want to do; HOWEVER, I am not going to make you think that I’m cool with it by involving myself in your questionable behavior.
For now, my friend knows that I think she is in a dead-end situation, that he is only going to make matters worse over time, and that I will not allow him to treat me, on any level, the way he treats her should they become more serious. She knows this because I have told her. As a friend to myself, that is how I need to care for and protect myself. As a friend to her, we don’t really discuss him anymore unless something major, one way or another, happens. That removes the stress, pressure, and the need to walk on eggshells because she cares about someone who I don’t care for at all.
A lot of people end up emotionally spent because they think that in order to be a good friend to someone, being complicit comes with the territory. ABSOLUTELY NOT. And that brings me to my final point for today.
BONUS:
Sometimes You Absolutely SHOULD “Judge” Them
“Listen but don’t judge.” Whew, social media can really get on my last nerve sometimes, and that posting trend is a great example of what I mean because some of the straight-up craziness that I have heard come out of some folks’ mouths right after they say “We listen but don’t judge”? Diabolical doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Besides, one thing that judgment means is to use discernment. Scripture says to judge with righteous judgment (John 4:24). And while we’re on the topic of Scripture, people really need to stop manipulating the Word when it says “judge not” because, if you read that passage all the way through, it’s saying to judge in the way that you would want to be judged (for instance, if you want to receive mercy and grace…give it) AND that you should have “the room in your house” that you are calling out in someone else’s life clean before you go pointing out someone else’s dirt so that you can discern clearly (Matthew 7:1-5).
That being said, if you think that God isn’t about accountability…you should definitely read the Good Book more thoroughly and more often. A part of what comes with being spiritually mature is being personally accountable.
And that is a part of the reason why we have relationships at all; it’s so that, as the very friend that I have mentioned here has said to me, we can see each other’s blind spots. Y’all, even if we don’t want to admit it, our fears, our ego, our programming, our stubbornness, and sometimes our complete lack of self-awareness can have us out here doing and justifying all kinds of stuff that individuals with a fresh set of eyes (and insight) will see a completely different way. And, thanks to that JUDGMENT on their part, if we humble ourselves enough to say, “They love me enough to even care. I should at least ponder where they are coming from” — that can spare us. I am a witness.
____
Humans can be complicated — and that is because they have so many layers to them. If you’ve got a friend who is good to you, who is not very good to themselves, I hope this helped you find some balance in how to navigate how sometimes polarizing that can be.
Bottom line, be their friend. Also, be a friend to yourself. Don’t compromise the latter for the former.
To do so? Pardon the pun but…that is just…TOXIC (refer to the definition up top again).
A PATTERN OF TOXICITY…if you’re not careful.
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