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My husband, Dean Skylar, bought me underwear after he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was an act of hope that showed I wanted to preserve our sex life through what we knew would be difficult times.
After skin cancer, prostate cancer is the most common cancer among American men. This disorder is diagnosed through a blood test to determine levels of prostate-specific antigens (PSA). If detected early, treatment can be just active surveillance. If the cancer occurs exclusively in the prostate, a prostatectomy to remove the prostate and surrounding tissue may be recommended.
In Dean’s case, the cancer had spread and he was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic cancer. His treatment was chemical castration and his life expectancy was five years.
Suddenly our lives changed dramatically. We had to deal with an obituary and the possible end of our sex life.
A diagnosis of prostate cancer has a significant impact on a couple’s life. How this disorder leads to loss of sexuality in connection with hormone therapies is not discussed in detail. Your oncologist will tell you about medications and treatments to combat this condition, but discussions about sexual relationships are uncomfortable and rare.
As both fight for his life, he loses what he probably thought was essential: his sexuality. Not only does he lose the ability to get an erection; He also loses his libido. And your partner may need more than a black silk nightgown to feel sexy again.
Although Dean received this diagnosis four years ago, it was critical to his well-being that we maintain our privacy. We try to prepare for the physical and emotional changes. The drugs they gave him eliminated his testosterone, which stimulates this cancer. Androgen deprivation therapy also reduced muscle tone and caused weight gain, hot flashes, difficulty concentrating, and fatigue.
My husband, who definitely played tennis, lifted weights and loved sex, felt castrated. The psychological stress this caused was initially debilitating. We have been researching this disorder. We change our exercise, diet and intimacy patterns to accommodate physical limitations.
Dean and Christine on their anniversary in 2025
We found help from prostate support groups, cancer treatment organizations and therapists. We discovered virtual groups on Facebook as well as in-person group therapies that provided helpful advice. We already knew that sexual relationships are not the only form of intimacy. Genitals are not the only way to have erotic experiences.
Some people in our groups have had success using vacuum devices for erection problems or penis pumps that use suction to draw blood to the penis. They can be used with medications like Viagra. We ended up laughing about how we didn’t make it and I accused Dean of buying a cheap device. Others suggested penile implants, a surgical option that can be expensive and not necessarily covered by insurance.
There are also injectable penile therapies, which involve injecting medication into the penis using a syringe. We found some of these options intimidating and painful. We were already struggling with medication injections to treat him and surgeries seemed like too much given his life-threatening diagnosis.
We decided to touch each other. We held hands, kissed, caressed and massaged each other. When he took a nap, I read next to him. I watched his favorite TV shows with him and ate whatever he wanted. I synchronized with him.
He monitored our intimate moments. Since he no longer had any sexual urges, he kept a calendar on the wall in which I wrote a heart with a pencil when he slept with me. I expressed my desire to light candles, play “our” songs on Sonos, or take a bath together.
He was always a generous lover and responded to my invitations with a smile. As we dealt with the various stages of his illness, I wanted to ensure that he never felt alone and hoped that our relationship would grow ever closer. We talked about everything.
When he felt weak, I did physical tasks for him that I had never done before. As soon as he had trouble reaching his toes, I started trimming his nails. When he got tired of shaving, I trimmed his beard. He groomed his eyebrows and removed hair from his nose. While he washed, I stood next to the shower; When he left the house, I dried him with a towel.
Her skin was still soft because she massaged it with lotion every day. His doctors and nurses always talked about it.
We chose home hospice care because I wanted to take care of him until the end. I slept on the couch next to his bed in the hospital. Sometimes I would bring my pillow and ask him to move a little so I could cuddle with him.
He always told me that he was very sorry that I had to go through that for him. I emphasized that I was lucky to have shared my life with him as a friend, lover and wife. I told him repeatedly that I would miss him every second of the rest of my life, and I know that’s true.
He died on July 20th. We were prepared for his last breaths.
I will always be grateful to have held him in my arms in his final moments. I whispered that I loved him. Since that happened, I’ve always had memories with me. She wore her wedding ring as an earring and put on her red plush robe before going to bed. My electronic calendar shows his photos and sometimes I read the messages he sent me on my phone.
His ashes lie in a silver urn on the coffee table inscribed with the initials DS and CL. My ashes will be with him one day. Our children are instructed to drop them off at the Ponte Vecchio bridge in Florence, where we had a romantic vacation almost 20 years ago. However, the trip we took decades ago is no longer what I remember most these days. It’s all the little moments we spent together over the last four years as we struggled with a devastating disorder. Our intimacy never ended; It only increased, as did our love.
This educational resource was created with support from Bayer.
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Our stories are authentic experiences of real women. The views, opinions and experiences expressed in these stories are not endorsed by HealthyWomen and do not necessarily reflect HealthyWomen’s official policies or positions.
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