Emily Jamea, Ph.D., is a sex therapist, bestselling author, and keynote speaker. You can also find her here sharing her latest thoughts on sex.
If you’ve ever wondered if you’re having “enough” sex, you’re not alone.
As a couples and sex therapist, the question I hear most often is: How often should we have sex? People want to feel normal, and staying within a “normal range” seems like a reasonable demand. We have normal ranges for other health metrics – blood pressure, cholesterol, steps per day – so why should sex be any different?
After working with couples for years, I have found that focusing on frequency is often the wrong starting point.
Melissa and David were married for 14 years and had two school-age children. When they came to therapy, they feared that their sex life had diminished. Between demanding jobs, soccer practice, and aging parents, they had sex about twice a month.
Feeling guilty, Melissa quoted an old Oprah episode about a couple who committed to having sex every day for a year, claiming it had brought them closer than anything before.
“This kind of frequency feels impossible,” she fretted. “Some days I barely have time for lunch. I love David very much – and I love having sex with him – but I honestly don’t know how to make that happen any more than we do right now.”
Although they felt joy and connection when they found time to make love, David feared that their decreasing frequency would mean they would drift apart. He adored Melissa and for him sex was the ultimate expression of love. “I told Mel that I don’t expect sex every day. This is ridiculous, but a few times a week would be nice. It would really help if you could just tell us what average is.”
What neither of them realized was that they both described their sexual experiences as deeply satisfying. They felt connected, wanted and emotionally close. Their concern did not arise from dissatisfaction; it came from comparison. And as the saying goes: comparison is the thief of joy.
Is more sex better?
Researchers have been studying the connection between sexual frequency and happiness for decades. The results are surprisingly consistent.
A groundbreaking study of more than 30,000 adults found that while couples who had sex more frequently tended to report higher levels of well-being, the benefits seemed to plateau around once a week. More frequent sex was not associated with an additional increase in happiness. In other words: more and more is not necessarily better.
Another study made headlines when researchers asked some couples to intentionally double the amount of sex they had. The result? They didn’t get any happier. In fact, some participants reported enjoying sex less, perhaps because it felt like another item on the to-do list rather than a spontaneous expression of connection.
This is an important distinction. Sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction are related, but are not the same thing.
Why we are so fixated on the number
People love metrics, but when it comes to sex, holding ourselves or our partner to a specific range can backfire.
When couples preoccupy themselves with frequency, sex can feel more like a measure of performance than an opportunity for intimacy. A partner may consent to sex out of a sense of obligation. The other person will likely sense this, resulting in a disappointing experience. The focus shifts from pleasure and connection to conforming to an imaginary standard.
I’ve worked with couples who have sex three times a week and still feel dissatisfied and disconnected, as well as couples who feel deeply connected and fulfilled through sex twice a month.
Sexual frequency ebbs and flows over the course of a long-term relationship. It peaks in the honeymoon phase, tends to decline after about a year, drops significantly after having children, and then moves in a wave-like pattern over a long period of time. According to research, younger married couples have sex more often than older married couples. For a breakdown by frequency and age, see this table.
When Melissa and David thought about it, they realized that they had sex about three to four times a month before their parents began having health problems. We only have so many hours in the day and so much bandwidth. Sleep and rest are more fundamental needs than sex, and if either feels compromised or the nervous system is chronically overactivated due to stress, sex is likely to suffer.
The recipe for sexual satisfaction
When researchers study sexual satisfaction, frequency is only one piece of the puzzle.
Good sex often involves emotional connection, responsiveness, communication, pleasure and feeling wanted. It’s about feeling present instead of distracted and feeling accepted instead of judged. For some couples, quality means a passionate encounter that lasts an hour. For others, it may be a brief but meaningful moment of intimacy before falling asleep.
The healthiest couples tend to ask a question other than “How often do we have sex?” Instead, they ask: Do we feel connected, wanted, and satisfied?
What is a normal level of sex for you?
One of the most liberating moments in therapy is when couples realize they don’t have to conform to other people’s standards.
Melissa and David eventually stopped comparing themselves with statistics and started paying attention to their own experiences. Instead of trying to increase frequency, they focused on creating more opportunities for affection, flirtation, and emotional connection throughout the week.
Ironically, once the pressure was released, their sexual relationship improved. Sometimes they had sex more often. Sometimes they didn’t. But they stopped interpreting every fluctuation as a sign that something was wrong.
Research supports this perspective. Relationship satisfaction appears to be a key factor in the connection between sex and overall well-being. It’s not just the act itself that matters, but also what the experience represents in the relationship.
Are you having enough sex?
If you’re wondering whether you’re having enough sex, first ask another question: Are we satisfied with our sex life? If the answer is yes, then there is no need to worry about how often other couples have sex. If the answer is no, you may consider frequency, but only as one of several pieces to the sexual satisfaction puzzle. Increasing the frequency is probably not the only solution. A more productive approach is to identify what is getting in the way of desire, pleasure, or connection.
The healthiest sex life cannot be defined by a number. It is defined by two people feeling connected, fulfilled, and free to create a sexual relationship that works for them.
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