It took me a long time to really like myself. I had to do the inside work, make a commitment to reverse course on a storyline that was warped and a self-talk that served no good purpose. It’s been a breathtaking journey that has changed me beyond measure. I want you – wherever you are on your unique female journey – to really like yourself, too.
Here’s what I know, and it is for you:
Commit to being your own best friend. This is step one, even if you’re skeptical, because it starts in your head. Once you make a non-negotiable decision to embrace yourself, the supportive behaviors are easier to adopt. Here goes:
Say “goodbye” to your inner mean girl. You’ll need to get a handle on your self-talk. You probably have a good idea how and why the mean girl barbs became your go-to. You can point to your upbringing, your middle school years or an emotionally damaging relationship. The next time your inner mean girl starts trash talking you, pause and ask yourself: “Would I hurl that insult at my BFF? How would I feel if my daughter talked to herself in this way?” Begin to develop the habit of giving that mean girl the boot because she does you no good – none.
Replace self-criticism with self-acceptance. Did you know that more than two-thirds of all women habitually hurl self-criticism at the woman in the mirror? Repeated self-criticism erodes your confidence and leads to fear of failure. When you practice self-acceptance instead, you acknowledge your best qualities and strengths, and don’t compare yourself to others. You focus on being your best you. Rather than scold yourself for being an idiot for losing your phone again, you acknowledge that you’ve had a lot on your plate and you’ve been distracted. Think in terms of compassion instead of criticism. No meanness there!
Get reacquainted. Becoming your best you also means actively embracing the things that you love, the things that maybe you’ve let slip in the hurly-burly of life. A friend says, “I used to go on at least one retreat every year, but honestly, it’s been since forever.” Another laments “I just love to bake, but there doesn’t seem to be any time for it.” Start carving out time to embrace what you’ve missed – true, you will have to plan ahead, but that’s how you show yourself some love! The idea is to focus on enjoying your own company in ways that work for you.
Be the queen of boundaries. Many women struggle with this because they’ve been socialized to feel uncomfortable saying “no,” or they think they have a responsibility to “serve” in every situation. Healthy self-respect requires that you balance saying “yes” and “no” by safeguarding your time and your energy mindfully – so you can give fully when it makes sense to do so.
Gift yourself. How often do you gift others? Is it way out of whack with how little you gift yourself? Being your own best friend means allowing yourself to be your own gift recipient! Maybe it’s a half hour of complete peace as you listen to the birds or a long-postponed massage. Whatever brings you joy and happiness is your gift to you.
Practice self-directed acts of kindness. So, your friend texted that she hasn’t been able to reach out because she’s had such a rough few weeks. You probably responded by doing something nice for her, right? Some kind words, and an invitation to call anytime to unload, a drink after work – whatever. Do the same for yourself, especially when you’re the one having a rough time of it.
Learn what soothes you, indulges you and makes you laugh. For good reason, we’re constantly bombarded with self-care reminders and admonishments. Take some time to really understand how to embrace these three self-care go-tos in your own way.
Nurture your inner knowing. Learn to really be with yourself. Listen closely to your thoughts and feelings and seek to understand what they’re trying to tell you. Be patient and stay with it. Refresh your values, goals and commitments as you see fit. The point is to feed the intuition that allows you to be there – liking yourself – always.
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