My daughter’s birthday was last week. We celebrated at home with a barbecue with her father, a neighbor, Walt and me, and the next day at the nearby park with chicken salads, champagne and a game of “cat” bingo. She returned to New York for work, but I sent flowers on her big day.
You never know what gifts motherhood brings, but this morning when I woke up, the gift was huge: the photo above with the caption: “Today I touched up the flowers and cut off the stems. They smell so good. A very gentle smell. “Like the feeling of a joy point.”
Those words filled my entire body with a soft glow because I knew exactly what she meant, and somehow I had raised a daughter to send those words to me in the middle of her busy Sunday business.
Motherhood is keeping me very busy these days as my son John and his wife Ana just welcomed their third child, Sabrina Marie, into the world. When I spoke to John this week, he had just gotten off work at 8 p.m., filled his truck with gas, and called me. He couldn’t stop yawning as he works around the clock at times because he owns a refrigeration company that acts as a “first responder” for companies when their machines break down. Everything frozen thaws. . . or barrels full of fine wines that are diligently aging warm up.
Still, he said, “I have to go home and help Ana because she is more tired than me.”
With three children and a newborn, this makes sense. All of this has helped me feel awe for anyone who finds the path to parenting. The journey sometimes takes us to the edge, teaches us lessons and gives us sensations and emotions that are difficult to put into words.
Nuanced, complex feelings are like that. Today, however, I am grateful to have been on this journey for some 45 years now, and am fully aware that each of us comes with significant pain and further earned rewards as we learn, change, and grow. . .
As a younger woman, I’ve heard that as people get older, they often go on autopilot and retire. I don’t think there is any way to withdraw emotionally when you have loved ones. Being in a relationship is never boring, it’s always changing, and it’s more demanding for me than anything else. It’s so important and so subtle.
Memories of the hard times flash in my mind, but they seem to be the spiritual’s decision to make me miserable so that I can grow up and be a better person. There have been many difficult times, but then there are moments when you say: “This motherly thing is heaven on earth.” I am experiencing one of those moments today.
Maybe this feeling is like a gentle smell, like the feeling of a joy point.
