Emily Jamea, Ph.D. You can find them here every month to share their latest thoughts on sex.
My customer Cara couldn’t stop smiling when she settled in my office. She and her husband had just returned on the beach from a long weekend.
“It was incredible,” she beamed. “We had sex almost every day. And not just Quickies … it was connected, playful and hot.”
This was not typical of Cara and Jake, who had been together for 22 years. Cara, who always had a relatively positive relationship with her body and sexuality, has demanded a great tribute to perimenopause. The mood swings, the weight gain and the insomnia that she had to struggle in the past five years had created a great separation between her and Jake. She had tirelessly worked with her doctor to find the right balance of the hormones, but her sex life had remained, even though her physical symptoms had improved.
Cara and Jake came to me in a state of despair and lost hope that they would ever get back the connection they had. I had given them several tools, but it always seemed to give something – work, one of the children, a medical problem with an aging parent, which prevented them from using what they had learned. And so, like usually in this situation, I suggested a weekend trip – an opportunity for continuous time to concentrate on the re -connection.
I was pleased to hear that it worked! But I saw as quickly as her enthusiasm to tell the spicy details that it was faded and was replaced by concern.
“I don’t want to have to go on vacation to have great sex with Jake. Help me understand why the sex of the vacation feels so different and – which is even more important – how we can reproduce this feeling after home.”
It is not only in this longing to fill the gender feeling of the vacation. Again and again customers tell me that they feel more sexually alive on vacation. Studies show that interruptions of routine, reduced stress and increased novelty – core characteristics of travel – can help to increase the desire and intimacy even in the weeks after traveling. A study even showed that couples who go on vacation together report a higher level of satisfaction in their relationships and their sex life.
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So what about vacation that we want to jump into bed so eagerly?
1. They finally breathe out. We live in a culture of chronic stress. Cortisol, the stress hormone, suppresses sexual desire and excitement. The E -Mail autorSponder is switched on on vacation, the laundry is not threatened and your nervous system can finally relax. This shift in struggle or flight to calm and digestion (and yes – arousal and orgasm) is of essential importance for sexual pleasure.
Read: Science behind orgasms: What’s going on when you get it on >>
2. You are present. If we are not distracted by to-do lists, it is easier to be with our partner at the moment. Sensuality lives from the presence. It is more likely that the sun will give your partner’s skin or how your body moves together in the surf and that this mood creates.
3. There is novelty and game. Holidays invite us to explore – new foods, new places and new sides from us. The self-expansion theory suggests that people are motivated to expand their self-confidence by involving others in their identity-especially through new, challenging and exciting experiences. In relationships, this means that the introduction of new or stimulating activities with a partner of every person can help each person feel more connected and lively, which in turn promotes intimacy and desire. When couples experience something new together – like traveling, a new hobby or experiment in the bedroom – it activates the brain’s reward system and can revive passion by breaking through the routine and enables the partners to rediscover each other in a new way.
But let’s be honest – most of us cannot be on vacation all the time. How do you bring the magic of vacation sex at home?
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Here is what I have told Cara and what I tell all my customers who long for more passion in their daily life.
“First of all, you know that it is still in there,” I told her. “You were concerned that you would never get your wish back, but it is awakened! This is a big win. Now we have to think critically about what worked and how to use the same principles at home.”
1. Prioritize intimacy. There will always be someone or something that tries to attract your attention. This plan only works if you put holy, untouchable time aside every week. You don’t have to have full sex every week, but if you have about half an hour to combine physically and emotionally without interruption, the energy to fully die.
2. Promote bad behavior. Cara looked at me skeptically. I explained. You and Jake are burdened by many severe responsibilities for adults. See what happens when you go from work and go to Margaritas and remember afternoons on vacation. Sneak into a local five-star hotel and use the pool. Small things like this are not really as “bad”, but can make a big contribution to feeling playful, which contributes to increasing the desire.
3. Play with your plans. Just because you are planning when you have sex do you not have to plan how you do it. There is still a lot of space for spontaneity in the types of things that you research aside in which you have strategically aside. And remember to use this time to explore touch, playfulness or massage without the goal of going beyond the connection. When sex becomes another routine article on a checklist, the spark bubbles.
4. Make a transition. On vacation it is time to relax before going to bed. Try to create a “buffer zone” between your working day and the couple time – a walk, a shower, a joint glass of wine. These rituals can help their bodies move for intimacy and prepare them for intimacy.
5. Take your time. This is probably one of the most important tools. Vacation sex is not rushed, but sex at home … this is a different story for most people. It takes an average of 12-15 minutes to get into a focused state. Most people don’t have sex for so long. And a lot of people are worried that they just won’t do it if they don’t feel focused immediately. Give your body the time he needs to relax and your spirit the time he has to calm down. Pleasure will follow.
I reminded Cara and Jake that the vacation sex didn’t go around the beach. It was about her attitude in relation to presence, games and prioritization of pleasure. With a new perspective and a refreshing purpose, Cara and Jake left my office with a smile that day, not only from nostalgia, but also from opportunities.
In the following weeks they did not get a flight to Cabo, but they made meaningful changes. They began “sensual Sundays”, where the phones exported, the tasks were ignored and they treated the day like a mini flight. It was brunch and daily drinks for a week. Another was a common bathroom and a lazy afternoon in bed. On the purpose of creativity and play, they rekindled a connection from which they feared that they were lost.
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