For those who have ever been in a relationship where everything you do, everything you say, everything you wear, every expression on your face, every gesture, every action is criticized, you might have reached a point where you stopped caring what your critic thought. When you’re never given credit for what goes right and blamed for things that are out of your control, you begin to ignore the comments. When you’re in a situation where you can do no right. Never do enough, say enough, be enough, or measure up it wears on you. Until, instead of constantly contorting yourself into something you don’t even recognize and trying to anticipate what others want from you, you dig deep into yourself and decide to do for yourself. You decide how you can live with yourself. You get clear about what works for you. You tune out the folks who will never ever accept you as you are and say “Eff it” and do you. Let ’em talk.
Within the last few months we have seen some of the most influential, history-making, powerful Black women who are at the top of their professions brush off criticisms and snubs while keeping their heads up and staying true to themselves. Beyoncé, who was mocked for her foray into country music then snubbed at the Country Music Awards, proceeded to take up an entire field, performing country music at a Christmas Day football half-time show. The Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle, who endured never-ending criticism in England and harassment from her family members, cut off the toxicity, started her life over in her hometown of Los Angeles, then put herself out there to volunteer helping fire victims despite being called a “disaster tourist”. Vice President Kamala Harris endured every insult while campaigning for president, then certified the election of her adversary with dignity, before setting personal boundaries by refusing to give a tour of her home to her successor. And Our Forever First Lady Michelle Obama has declined to attend the inauguration of the man who relentlessly denigrated and endangered her family.
These high-profile women and many others who are not as well known have refused to kowtow to bullies who have insulted them, criticized them, called them foul names, diminished their intelligence and talent and contributions. They have set boundaries on how much they will smile and just “take it” like so many of our ancestors had to for survival. They have refused to compromise their dignity for the sake of going along to get along with people who will never accept as equals them anyway.
As much as some want to take us back to a bygone era of racial dominance where violence and terrorism was the norm, today’s Black women are resolute in not going back. We are not going back to a time when a look on our face could be met with loss of possessions, family members or physical safety. We are not going back to days when Black women’s children were ripped from their arms while they wailed at the loss. We are not going back to days where our ancestors had to beg to avoid unspeakable violence and violation for survival. We’re not going back to an unending litany of insults and indignities some of our family members, friends, or neighbors had to endure so we can stand our ground today.
Even though the history of racial terror in this country is something certain people want to erase from books, libraries, films, speeches, artwork and more, our memories cannot be erased. Most of us grew up hearing stories from our parents and grandparents of indignities they had to tolerate. We are not going back to those days of second-class citizenship.
As much as some in the MAGA cult want to diminish Black women, we are resolute in our determination to move forward. We cannot be intimidated or demoralized. We cannot be bullied and criticized and threatened into being invisible, docile and silent recipients of abuse. We don’t have to take it and we won’t.
So, as all of these women and millions more who are not in the public eye face again an era of billionaire white nationalists who apparently believe they own and run the world, we dig our heels in. They do not own our souls. They do not own our dignity. They do not own the respect we have for ourselves. We do not need their permission or acceptance to be true to our own values. So they can call us whatever they want and we remain unmoved.
The last election confirmed that we are in the minority. Not just a racial minority, but a minority in thought, in values, in priorities. And former President Jimmy Carter’s funeral service on January 9 was a reminder that the era of a servant leader who believes in serving all people and not just his small elite circle of people who look, talk, live, and think like they do is almost a mirage in our past. The reality is that many Black women leaders today gained opportunities because of people with Carter’s mentality and vision of a world where character matters and qualifications and talent are rewarded. An entire generation of women ascended because of Carter’s progressive policies that some who resent our presence now want to roll back.
Based on the rhetoric of the campaign for the 47th president, most Black women anticipate a repeat of the efforts to undermine, marginalize and delegitimize us. In response, we will become more unwavering in our efforts to stand in our power and brilliance. We stand on the shoulders of people who were literally on the front lines of water hoses, rabid dogs and sadistic police. Compared to what our ancestors endured, dealing with people calling us names for what we do or don’t do is the least of our concerns. We also remember that we have a long history of building our own and relying on ourselves. We built our own businesses, schools, social organizations, media outlets, banks and more. We don’t need to be validated by others. We will not prioritize protocol over our dignity, play nice over standing in our convictions, or placate other people’s egos at the expense of our principles. Let the haters hate.
