Although I am not familiar with Christine Caine, an author and speaker focused on empowering women globally, I recently encountered a quote of hers that resonated with me deeply: “Sometimes when you’re in a dark place, you think you’ve been buried. But you’ve actually been planted.”
I had to let those words sink in. Each time I reread that quote, it helped me to reframe challenges in my life. Have you been overwhelmed by life’s demands – whether it’s relationship drama, the loss of a loved one, or other hardships?
Widows: Resilient Women
For example, I learn something worthwhile from each new widow I meet – these resilient women have experienced what most of us know statistically will likely apply to us at some point as well. Afterall, 80% of married women experience widowhood. Many have discovered the power of living a “planted” life rather than feeling “buried.”
Recently, at a luncheon, I sat next to a woman who lost her husband, totally unexpectedly on a travel trip six months ago. She was having a difficult time; I could see it in her eyes and facial expressions as she ebbed and flowed in or out of the table conversations. A month later at the same lunch group, she was smiling and sharing pictures of her late husband from that memorable cruise. She focused on cherishing the moments they had together and was grateful to reminisce with friends.
The Challenge of Nighttime
Several widows have told me that “the silence is deafening,” a sentiment they especially feel at night. As our mental and physical energy wanes, it becomes more challenging not to dwell on past evenings that were spent together – whether enjoying dinner, relaxing at home, or sharing a quiet moment. Suggestions such as engaging in a phone conversation, planning an activity to look forward to, or even taking a walk have helped many navigate those difficult evening hours.
Loneliness Versus Solitude
One younger widow told me about how she found one of her counselor’s suggestions extremely profound: reframe feelings of loneliness as an opportunity to embrace solitude. Remember, solitude isn’t about being alone – it’s about finding peace and balance within yourself. Even if it’s not something you sought out, research confirms many benefits of embracing it:
Mental Clarity
It gives you the focused time to process your thoughts and emotions without distraction to help you gain clearer perspective on decisions.
A Boost in Creativity
Being alone can spark creative ideas during uninterrupted time.
Stress Reduction
Quiet moments can lower your stress by reducing the production of cortisol (the stress hormone) while also promoting the release of positive neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin.
The Second Year
Every widow eventually discovers that the second year can be even more challenging than the first – a notion that may seem counterintuitive at first. In the first year, the whirlwind of changes and tasks needed to adjust from two lives to one often leaves little room for reflection. It’s a forced transition and your to-do lists help guide you through it.
In the quieter second year, without the busyness of constant activity, there is more time for reflection. And all of the “firsts” surround you… first anniversary of his passing, first birthday without him, first anniversary without him, first holiday without him, it doesn’t seem to stop.
The Words in Your Head
Words we tell ourselves matter. Reframing your thoughts can make all the difference. It never completely gets easier, nor do circumstances necessarily become “better.” They become different or less painful over time. You may never “get over” your loss but you learn to get through it while cherishing the love and memories that endure. Moving through the darkness is difficult and exhausting, yet you deserve to blossom and bloom instead of staying buried.
Reframing your inner dialogue is essential. To help shift your mindset to something that feels less overwhelming, try writing down your affirmations, saying them out loud, and placing visible reminders throughout your day. Personally, I have found vision boards to be a powerful tool. Many women have used them to nurture hope and direction. Other options like GriefShare, journaling, widow support groups, and counseling can also provide comfort and guidance. Whatever helps you shift from feeling buried to truly planted, remember that you are capable and resilient.
Time for Reflection:
What have you noticed about the widowhood experience? Anything that you have seen or experienced that helped move from feeling buried to planted? What advice do you have for women before or after this stressful time in our lives? Let’s share our experiences to help each other in our community.
