I never imagined a life without children, but here I am, a single, 41-year-old childless lesbian, planning my next big adventure, while others post cute, back-to-school photos of their kids on social media. The shift in perspective occurred after years of pressure from myself, as well as from the people in my environment.
“Marsha, you’re the last of the cousins without a child. What’s up?” my male cousin questioned. Back then, my throat chakra wasn’t as strong as it is now. So, instead of explaining how problematic his probing was, I replied, feeling defeated, “It’s not that easy.”
People rarely ask men why they don’t have children. In fact, they’re seen as unicorns if they’ve made it to their 40s without procreating. But women, we’re held to a different standard. We were gifted with the superpower of nesting and nurturing a soul within our bodies. For nine months, women sacrifice their anatomy, enduring life-altering changes, to bring a human into the world.
It’s an honor to be a mother, and at one point in life, that’s all I wanted. So, when my partner of seven years wasn’t ready to explore marriage and building a family together, we went our separate ways. I dedicated 2019 to getting pregnant, from medical turkey basters to Intrauterine Insemination, to no avail. It was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting, so at 35, I decided to wait until I was in a loving relationship. I had lots of time—or so I thought.
Five years later, I was no closer to motherhood.
I was in a relationship, but I knew she wasn’t my person. I developed fibroids, which hijacked my body with irregular bleeding for a year and a half. The hard truth was, no matter how much I wanted this for myself, I had no control over when it would happen. So, after a couple of therapy sessions, I was encouraged to redefine how motherhood looks for me. Adoption or fostering a child still allowed me to explore my maternal instincts, without the pressure of a timeframe.
It was then that I removed the bricks that were weighing me down.
Redefining Motherhood On My Own Terms
That reframe prompted me to examine my life and identify the root of the pressure I felt. A huge part of me knew that I tied my worth to becoming a mother.
Carrying and birthing a child is a sacred experience gifted to a majority of people with a uterus. I had to realize that I’m worthy, period. Women were created to be more than the canal to life.
I also acknowledged that my desire to become a mother stemmed from wanting to love a child the way I needed to be loved growing up. We spend our adult lives identifying the source of the wounds that were created during our adolescent years so we can heal them.
I had a seemingly normal upbringing with a mother who loved me and tried her best, but there were moments in my adult life when I had to re-parent myself. I knew motherhood would be a healing experience for me, but I also understood that was a selfish reason to have a child.
Writer Marsha Badger, 41
Photo credit: Jonathan Pearson
Finding Peace In A Childfree Life
Now, at 41, I’ve made peace with my decision not to have children, which allows me to finally experience life without the pressures of finding love and having a child before it’s “too late.” I am whole as I am, so I stopped looking for motherhood to complete me.
Society treats childless women like lepers, insinuating that something must be wrong with them if they haven’t had children. And because we’re the only vessel to bring life into this world, it became an expectation. But the truth is, motherhood isn’t in the cards for everyone, and that decision isn’t up for negotiation. When I decentered finding love and becoming a mom, I experienced a sense of peace and freedom.
There’s a community of women struggling with the idea of motherhood and whether there’s room for it in this chapter of their lives, and you’re not alone. I asked 8 women over 40 six questions. The responses were honest, refreshing, and rooted in their truth. Here’s what they had to say.
8 Women Over 40 Share Their Truths About Living Childfree
Lisa Smith, 50+
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“I realized motherhood wasn’t in the cards for me in my 20s, but I have pursued motherhood in the past. Very briefly and for someone else and not me…a part of the problem was I didn’t enjoy trying… ew. I didn’t feel pressured by society, but I did get asked why (I didn’t have children) a lot. That never made me want one though. I find people don’t like that answer. I’m so great with my decision.”
“I have never really had a regret. I almost feel guilty saying it because it defines womanhood in some people’s eyes. I’m really a woman with no kids and very happy about it.”
“I have been around plenty of children all my life. I was a dance teacher, a Sunday school teacher, a girl scout troop assistant, and I’ve hosted numerous events for the children in my life. With all of that, nothing in me had that desire to be a mother. I don’t hate children and I’m not selfish. However, my biological clock never ticked. I never got that instinctual thing that said, ‘Have a baby.’ I just didn’t want one and it’s okay, right? Well, at least it is to me, and my life is great!”
Cheresse Rogers, 41
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“Honestly, I can’t say there was an exact time that I realized motherhood wasn’t in the cards for me. I have sickle cell so I’ve battled back and forth for many years about it. That was my main reason why. But if I really had to put a time down when I first had a serious thought about it. I would say my early 20s. At one point in my life I did start looking into what it would take to adopt a child.”
“But I never tried to get pregnant myself. Being a lesbian plays a part in my decision making. I will say even though personally my stance hasn’t changed on carrying my own child, I am open to either adopting or my partner carrying. That is fine by me.”
“I wouldn’t say I felt pressured by society to have children. I will say at times it can be bothersome to have people keep asking. I’ve learned that my womanhood is not defined by whether I’m a mother or not. I believe I’ve lived and I’m living a life of meaningful and loving connections.”
“That’s what life is about. How we show up on this world. When I go to bed at night, do I sleep well knowing I made a positive impact on others, or did I do something that made me happy that day? That’s something to be proud of. That’s what I think of when defining fulfillment.”
“I would say, to any other woman living with a chronic health issue or even to women who are not, do what feels right for you. Research your options. Talk to your doctors. I think at times we put our eggs in one basket. There are so many ways these days to become a mother. I know so many people want to experience the joys of carrying a child. But if you can not for whatever reason. Consider adopting or a surrogate if that’s in your means. Do what makes you happy.”
Cam, 62 (asked to be anonymous)
“I have never pursued motherhood. I realized motherhood was not in the cards for me the very moment my mother explained that my ovaries produce eggs that might be fertilized by sperm and grow into a baby. I wasn’t full of fear, hate or disgust. My thoughts just crystallized, and I asked my mother if I could have my ovaries removed because ‘I knew I didn’t want to have babies.’ She told me no doctor would do that to me.”
“I was thinking how silly it would be to spend a lot of time and money on tending to my ‘periods’ when I knew I was not going to make use of this ‘wonderful function.’ For the record, ten-year-old me genuinely knew myself. I am proud I never abandon my truth.”
“I can’t have it all, all the time. Maybe that’s why momma wouldn’t let me get my ovaries removed. I had a lifetime of learning about cycles! I lived with them, through them, and accepted them. I guess that’s the secret of life.”
“Fulfillment on my terms is growing and pruning, living an examined life. I like learning and challenging myself. I like deciding how to spend precious time. I love laughter and laughing at myself. I love keeping folks around me who really accept me warts and all. And when I have the recipe just right…I get wonderful batches of fulfillment that balances the unpleasant elements of living.”
Sabrina Servance, 41
Photo credit: Teri Hofford
“I haven’t pursued motherhood. If anything, I avoided it like the plague! When I was in my late twenties, I was still single and at that point, had never had a partner. It was always drilled into my head that the older you got, the harder it would be to have a baby. I reflected on the things I went through: I was severely bullied growing up and also suffer from mental illness, I couldn’t imagine my own child going through the same things.”
“The longer I thought about it, the more I knew motherhood was not for me. I was far too anxious to handle it and frankly, just didn’t want to. Looking at how society is, I am glad that I stuck with my decision not to have children. I love being an aunt! But being a mom is not for me. I feel that the decision was the right thing for me.”
“When I was single, I definitely felt it as the majority of my friends were getting married and having children. People kept asking me when I was going to have children, ‘Why hadn’t I tried?’ And when I got married, forget it. The societal pressure is even worse. Eventually, I felt comfortable telling people that I had no desire to be a mother, which people HATED hearing.”
“I think that so often, as women, we spend too much time doing what we think we’re supposed to do rather than what we want to do. Motherhood is a huge step, and it’s okay not to be sure if you want children. It’s also okay to say you want children and then change your mind.”
“All those people questioning your life choices aren’t going home with you to raise your baby, so do what’s best for you. I define fulfillment by being able to live life the way I have always dreamed of and pursuing things that weren’t possible when I was younger.”
Chanel Banks, 44
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“I realized motherhood might not be in the cards for me when I started to tap into myself. When I started to become more aware of myself and understand the sacrifice of what motherhood would look like for me. I have pursued motherhood in the past. But as times have changed and I’ve gotten older, I see my life and society through a different lens.”
“I didn’t feel pressured by society. Being a mother is a personal choice. If anything, society has allowed me to view motherhood from a bigger point than just myself.”
“I feel good about that decision today. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves why we really want something and answer honestly. Do you want it for you? Or for the idea? Do what is best for you and no one else.”
“I define fulfillment on my own terms as living authentically, with freedom and purpose. For me, that means creating a life I love. Nurturing my passions, traveling, and growing as a woman and wife. My joy comes from designing a life that reflects who I truly am.”
Krystle H, 41
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“I realized motherhood was not in the cards for me because I haven’t been blessed to have a man who is a loving, humorous, fun, outgoing, generous, king and provider. I never pursued motherhood or felt pressured by society. I am happy I never attempted to pursue motherhood with any of the men I dated on a long-term basis because I have no intentions of being a single parent.”
“As I approached my 40s, currently at age 41, I have reflected heavily on my past experiences. In looking at these experiences in retrospect, none of these men were providers.”
“Although relationships are not guaranteed to be eternal, it is very important to select your partner wisely and carefully. If we aren’t meant to continue our relationship, I need to know that he has the ability and mindset to coparent and/or financially provide for his children.”
“To me, fulfillment is great health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual), financial stability, happiness, good family members and good friends, a stable, solid dwelling, and self-sufficiency. If motherhood is meant for you, it will be for you. Do not allow society to pressure you into motherhood if you are not financially, mentally, and emotionally prepared to be a parent.”
Ashia, 40
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“I learned that motherhood might not be in the cards for me at 37, when I had my second miscarriage. For the second time, my body was rejecting what seemed to be ‘natural.’ I got pregnant a month after getting married (not planned, but loved), and it only lasted 11 weeks. I have an autoimmune disease, and although I stopped taking the medicine to suppress/help a year before getting pregnant, my body rejected the fetus. Three years later, I got pregnant again, this time with twins, and my body rejected it for the second time.”
“I don’t feel pressured by society at all. For a long time, I was afraid to get pregnant, or rather, because of trauma. I used to always say, ‘I never want to be my mom to my children, and why would I choose to bring a child into this world that could be born with the same disease as me, and go through the same health issues I’ve gone through?'”
“And then, on the other hand, I’m the only child who can have children, and I sometimes wonder–although they never say–if my parents feel any emotion about not having grandchildren. I don’t let it affect my decision in any way. Because I’m the one who has to keep choosing this life, for the rest of my life. And I don’t know if I’ve reached that level of adulting yet.”
“I’m fulfilled because I am here. I am taking the trips, reading the books, going to the events, and still being present for myself and my friends/family. I can choose to show up when I’m whole and can love you from a good place, or lock myself in the bedroom for days on end and not feel obligated to ‘perform’ because a little is dependent on me.”
“There are days when I want to have a baby, and there are days when I am grateful I don’t have a child to depend on me. Because some days I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with myself, let alone a child. I really commend women who choose to be parents. For anyone who is on the fence, I say just be. Give yourself grace and patience to do whatever YOU want. Not society, or your family, or even FOMO (this is a terrible reason by the way), decides FOR YOU. You’re the only one who has to live this life.”
Christina L., 42
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“I am on a journey of self-discovery, and motherhood is my calling, but I remain open to redefining what that means. After 10 years of navigating fertility challenges and undergoing three procedures to enhance my chances of conceiving, I have faced setbacks. However, my spirit remains unyielding. I am wholeheartedly embracing the possibilities of adoption or the use of donated eggs as we forge ahead.”
“When I decided I was ready, I was referred to a fertility clinic to address my low egg count and advised to start the IVF journey immediately for a chance at motherhood. While my partner wasn’t ready at the time, I believed they were my person, so I chose to wait. A year later, I opted for UFE, the less invasive approach, to preserve my opportunity for a vaginal birth.”
“Eight months later, I underwent a procedure to clear the debris left by dead fibroid tissue in hopes of improving my chances, but still, I faced challenges, and my periods began to lessen. The following year, I completed a gastric sleeve surgery, transforming my health and shedding 100 lbs.”
“Despite not yet achieving my dream of having children, I began to reimagine motherhood, embracing the resilience and strength that come from my journey, knowing there are still many ways to nurture and love in this world.”
“For a long time, I hesitated to pursue motherhood, but I realized waiting held me back from making my dreams a reality. I found the courage to prioritize my own journey over my fears of failure as a mother and worries about a partner’s shortcomings. Embracing my path became my true expectation. I feel guilty because I should have addressed this more practically a long time ago, saving my eggs. My procrastination may have robbed me of the chance of having a child biologically.”
Featured image courtesy of Christina L.
