Sometimes, people who read content on the site will email me for advice. Today’s content is an example of that because an avid supporter of the site hit me up for my opinion about the fact that, although she has been able to dodge family occasions for the past couple of years, this year, she has to “face the music” — and she was pretty nervous about it. According to her, it’s because “My family can be…A LOT.”
She’s not alone. Reportedly, 40 percent of family members find themselves getting into some sort of fight over the holiday season and 1 in 3 Gen Z’ers opt for friends over family during the holidays. And that’s why I thought that I would do everyone a solid by writing an article that features some effective tips/hacks on how to deal with your relatives…if they tend to trigger you more than just about anything else (whether intentionally or unintentionally) whenever you’re around them.
Yeah, Merry Christmas. LOL.
1. Don’t
Lie to Yourself
Whenever I watch a video of someone going on and on about how quick they are to cut someone off for something that they said or did (check out “Why I Don’t ‘Cut People Off’ Anymore, I Release Them Instead”), one of the first things that comes to my mind is the fact that they should be sure to extend the amount of grace and mercy that they would like to receive someday because life indeed has a way of boomeranging.
In fact, while we’re here, THIS is ACTUALLY what the Good Book means when it says to “Judge not” because if you actually think that God is down with no one being held accountable…umm, what kind of sense does THAT make? Yeah, if you read those set of Scriptures in their entirety (Matthew 7:1-6), it says that how you judge is how you will be judged — oh, and that the area that you are judging others in, you should probably have it cleaned up in your own life first.
And what does all of this have to do with lying to yourself? Well, ain’t it wild how something that most people say they have zero tolerance for is a liar — meanwhile, many of those same folks are lying to their own selves? Signs of that: you see things through rose-colored glasses; you constantly justify your own poor behavior; you let people walk all over you, all the while believing that “taking abuse” will prompt them to change; you rarely heed good advice, and/or you contradict yourself a lot.
Now ponder what I just said and then think about how you act around your family. If any of those points apply, the first thing that you need to work on is being honest with your own self about the habits that you need to break as it relates to dealing with your relatives. For instance, if you know that your aunt is disrespectful as hell, stop telling yourself that this year will be different. Or if you’re close to being a basket case at the thought of dealing with your overbearing in-laws, hit up a mentor or a therapist beforehand for some interaction tips…then actually take what they say seriously.
Moral to the story: the quicker that you are real with yourself about what you are getting yourself into when it comes to your peeps, the easier it will be to deal with whatever comes your way.
2. Accept
the Reality of What Your Family Is
Even though I can do a hard pass on holidays (pretty much any holiday), I do enjoy holiday movies. I think it’s because this is the time of year when there is less violence, sex and ridiculousness on tubes and screens; for the most part, everything simply feels…safer to watch. Anyway, a movie that I saw on Tubi that I thought was super cute is called A Verry Merry Hood Christmas.
One of the things that I liked the most about it is it showed the different personalities and dynamics of a nice-sized Black family along with the compromises that everyone had to make in order to get along — even if they didn’t agree with certain things about one another. Know what that is called? Acceptance. And, in the context of today’s article, acceptance is about striving to understand, believe and, where possible, accommodate and reconcile with other people.
Now will you always be able to accommodate or reconcile? No. Sometimes certain standards and convictions will challenge that. What you can do, always, though, is understand where your family members are coming from and accept it, whether you agree with them or not.
I’m telling you, just learning how to accept the reality of what you have going on within your bloodline can take a lot of the pressure off because, honestly, what oftentimes causes a lot of unnecessary drama and trauma is trying to make people be something or one other than who they truly are.
3. Clearly
Articulate Your Boundaries. Without Apology.
I talk about gaslighting…A LOT. That’s because there are so many people out here who do it. SMDH. Just so we’re all on the same page for this particular point, gaslighting is when someone tries to manipulate you into wondering if what you know to be true, right or accurate actually isn’t — and boy, if anyone is a master at this, it’s certain types of family members…and typically, if they really want to take gaslighting to a whole ‘nother level, it’s when it comes to the personal boundaries that you have set.
One way they will gaslight you? They will say that you should do whatever they tell you to or that you should tolerate however they are speaking to or acting around you because they are family or they are older than you are. GASLIGHTING. I say it often that the same Bible that says to honor your parents also says to not provoke your children (Ephesians 6:4).
My point? One reason why family members can trigger us so much is because we can find ourselves in conversations or situations where we feel disrespected by them. The way to help to keep this in check is by stating what your boundaries/limits are on the front end and not wavering if they try to cross the line.
And what do I mean by “not wavering”? If your boundary is that you don’t want to talk about your dating life and they start hitting you with a round of 20 questions about just that, stop talking or go to another room.
Listen, something that I tell my clients often is it’s unfair to expect people to honor your boundaries when you haven’t clearly stated what they are. Once you have, though, and they overstep? That is called disrespect — and you don’t have to tolerate that from ANYONE. Family or otherwise.
4. Avoid
Triggering Topics
So-and-so made me mad. Chile, live on this planet long enough and you begin to accept that unless it’s literally by force (which is a form of abuse), no one can MAKE you do anything…and that includes causing you to feel some type of way. Sometimes, it can feel like someone made you feel some type of way, though, because they triggered you — oftentimes, all the while knowing exactly what they were doing. SMDH.
Know how you can dodge this? Don’t engage in subject matters that you know are going to get you going whether that be religion, politics, standards for relationships, family issues…whatever it is. A few years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “How To Handle Folks Who ‘Trigger’ You.” A part of the reason why I wrote it is because being triggered is a very real thing. For instance, if something current takes your emotions back to something unpleasant in your past, that can make you feel stressed or even hurt — and boy, no set of people like to bring up past ish like relatives do.
That’s why it’s really important to figure out what your (main) triggers are before even getting around them. That way, you can be clear on what you are willing to entertain — and how far you are willing to go.
5. Suggest Some Distractions
If there are two things that families can be, on a whole ‘nother level, is chaotic and a lot of fun. That said, if you want to avoid annoying drama, a great diversion can be to recommend entertaining things to do like playing board games, watching holiday-themed movies together, doing some Christmas music karaoke, suggesting a dance-off with prizes, caroling throughout the neighborhood — anything that will get those folks’ minds off of who should be getting married or going back to church and onto laughing and cuttin’ up.
6. Mind Your Business. Literally.
A man by the name of Robert A. Heinlein once said, “Ninety percent of all human wisdom is the ability to mind your own business.” Another man by the name of Edmond Mbiaka once said, “While you are too busy minding other people’s business, who is busy minding yours?” And still another man by the name of Steve Maraboli once said, “How do I have productive days with minimum drama? Simple; I mind my own business.”
We’re talking about how to have an as-much-as-possible peace-filled holiday season around your family members, right? Without question, a hack for that is to absolutely determine to mind your own business. Now does this mean that you should just act like a mannequin the entire time? Nope. My recommendation would simply be to not volunteer opinions to people who you already know won’t be receptive to them or who like to pick debates or even fights— oh, but if someone asks…then they invited you into their business. That is something different.
Minding one’s business ain’t neva hurt nobody, chile. Words to live by. Always.
7. Know What Your Limit Is and Be OK with Leaving When It’s Crossed
Some of my clients are the epitome of what it means to be an introvert and it always tickles me how, right around this time of the year, like clockwork, at least a couple of them will ask me how they can avoid going to family functions. It’s not really because they suspect that some drama or trauma will go down, it’s just that the busyness, the noise, the close quarters make their nerves bad — and they would rather prevent that from transpiring by not going to the family events in the first place.
Typically, what I do is help them to come up with some sort of compromise that will keep them in a place of peace without pissing off their grandmother. However, as we close all of this out, I will be the first one to say that, as an adult, you have the complete and total right to have and set whatever boundaries you wish. If you know that 90 minutes is all that you can stand, so be it.
If you’ve already decided that if everyone gets to “poking bears” and starting silly arguments that that is your cue to step out, all good. If you’d prefer to go earlier to your aunt and uncle’s house because past occasions have proven that your least favorite relatives like to show up really late and you want to leave before they arrive, that is certainly your prerogative.
Listen, there is no point in trying to cultivate peace and goodwill towards your relatives if it’s at the expense of your own. Hopefully, these seven tips will help everyone to get some of both — so that this can be a really good holiday season…yes, even when you are around your family. LOL.
Featured image by Shutterstock
