Samira took her five-year-old son Shaurya to her house. A house they had just moved into. Shaurya has autism and is non-verbal. He was struggling with the new house and the surroundings and Samira tried her best to comfort him. But soon Samira heard a voice from the floor below. An old woman asked her, “Aapke bachche ko koi problem hain kya (Does your child have an illness)?”
Samira paused for a moment and looked directly at the woman. She wasn’t angry or annoyed, but she was taken aback by the audacity of asking such an intrusive question to a stranger. She politely replied that her child was completely fine.
This is the world of the parent of an autistic child. This interaction is one of several moments that occur in the everyday lives of parents and caregivers.
She said this to make it clear to the woman and others like her that it is not her job to question or judge her child. Samira and Shaurya have a right to privacy. You don’t have to share Shaurya’s diagnosis or her problems with anyone. However, this is the world of the parent of an autistic child. This interaction is one of several moments that occur in the everyday lives of parents and caregivers.
The gendered work of raising a neurodivergent child
Even in big cities, the mother is the most important caregiver for a child. And when a child is neurodivergent, it is often the mothers who take full responsibility for care. However, an obvious question that needs to be asked here is: why can’t the father also take care of a neurodivergent child?
This is often because a child with neurodivergence requires more patience and compassion. And in most cases, fathers don’t have the time or patience to understand their child’s problems. Other people in the family also step back, saying things like, “Your child doesn’t associate with anyone.” Therefore, the entire responsibility of raising a neurodivergent child, running the house and caring for the rest of the family falls on the mothers.
But who takes care of them? Mothers raising a neurodivergent child are not only raising a child and facing the everyday challenges of parenting, but they also have to keep up with regular therapy appointments, meltdowns, and their child’s nutritional needs. A neurodivergent child’s day is also full of sensory issues with sounds, people, textures, and motor skill issues, all of which need to be managed by a caregiver.
The emotional reality is that it hurts mothers to see their child struggling to adapt to a world that is not easy for people with neurodivergence to navigate.
For mothers who are the sole caregivers of a neurodivergent child, the toll is not just physical; it is also emotional. It is heartbreaking for mothers to see their child struggling to learn life skills. The emotional reality is that it hurts mothers to see their child struggling to adapt to a world that is not easy for people with neurodivergence to navigate.
Indian families still operate within patriarchal structures that believe that raising and caring for a child is the sole responsibility of the mother. However, this is not only unfair to the mother, but also to the child, because every child deserves the partnership of both parents.
A role of the father must be understood beyond just being a “provider”. Even in cases where the mother is the primary caregiver, fathers must at least become an anchor that the mother can rely on as she faces numerous challenges each day.
Navigating as a parent in a world that doesn’t understand neurodivergence
Namita, a 38-year-old mother of a neurodivergent child aged nine, recalled a recent experience. Someone at the gym suggested she leave her child in an ashram (hermitage) because it was difficult to raise a girl with neurodivergence in India.
Varsha, mother of a three-year-old autistic child, gave another example. A doctor attempted to sell her nutritional supplements by falsely claiming that her child would begin speaking and behaving neurotypically after taking these supplements.
We live in a society where vulnerability becomes an opportunity for profit – even at the cost of exploiting people’s situations and emotions.
We live in a society where vulnerability becomes an opportunity for profit – even at the cost of exploiting people’s situations and emotions. And this is the everyday reality that parents of a neurodivergent child face in our country.
A mother in India raising a neurodivergent child goes through a lot. Her own family often questions her parenting decisions, sometimes even going so far as to blame her for her child’s condition. In addition, she is put under additional pressure from those around her to have a second child. If she refuses, her family members and sometimes even her husband will blame her for her refusal.
Despite all these burdens, lack of support, financial pressure and stress, one mother remains with one hope: that her child can one day address her as his mother.
Lack of social and institutional support
Our society and institutions have yet to fully understand, accept, or adequately support neurodivergent children. There are hardly any trained teachers or therapists in schools to support children with neurodivergence. And society responds with looks and questions instead of support and understanding.
A neurodivergent child may process the world differently but have unique abilities, such as: Such as precise pattern recognition, remembering fine details, strong observation skills, and the ability to love deeply.
And to thrive, children need compassion rather than questions. Acceptance instead of avoidance.
Caring instead of staring. And words full of understanding and affection. Next time you encounter a neurodivergent child, their parent or caregiver will show you kindness and support, not judgment.
