Dear Chatty,
I’m newly divorced and have finally started dating again. On the surface, I say I want to find love, but every time someone gets close, I pull away or find flaws in them. I either shut down or talk myself out of giving it a real chance. I think I might be sabotaging myself… but I don’t know how to stop. What would you say?
— Scared but Hopeful
Dear Scared but Hopeful,
First of all, give yourself a giant hug and maybe a celebratory glass of wine or tea, because getting back out there at all after divorce is no small thing. You’ve been through an emotional earthquake, and you’re still standing. That’s strength. That’s resilience. That’s bravery. Don’t forget that.
Now about this sabotage thing? Let’s reframe it.
You’re not broken. You’re not “bad at love.” You’re protecting yourself the only way your nervous system knows how right now — by keeping people at arm’s length so you don’t get hurt again. But here’s the thing: protecting yourself from pain also means shielding yourself from possibility.
Let’s break it down, Chatty-style:
1. Acknowledge the Fear — Don’t Let It Drive
You’ve probably heard the quote: “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” I’d tweak that to: “Feel the fear, understand it, then choose your next move.” Fear is part of growth — it just doesn’t get to be in the driver’s seat.
Ask yourself: Am I reacting to this person, or to a past wound they triggered?
2. Watch the Pattern, Not Just the Person
You say you find flaws and pull away, that’s a pattern, not a coincidence. So when you notice yourself doing it again, pause. Get curious. Ask:
“Am I protecting myself from a real red flag, or am I protecting myself from vulnerability?”
Sabotage often wears the disguise of self-protection. But true protection? That comes from self-awareness.
3. Name Your Needs (and Don’t Apologize for Them)
You’re not asking for too much, you’re asking the wrong people. When you express your needs early and clearly, you save yourself from the heartbreak of building castles on quicksand. You’re not here to be anyone’s rehab project and no one’s here to fix you.
4. Practice Softening, Not Surrendering
It’s okay to lean in a little to let yourself be seen, even if it’s just one layer at a time. Vulnerability doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re willing. Willing to hope. Willing to heal. Willing to try again.
And yes, you might get your heart bruised again. But you’ve already survived the worst of it, now it’s about learning how to trust yourself in love again.
Final Word from Chatty:
“Sabotage isn’t self-destruction. It’s self-defense. The healing begins when you trade fear for curiosity, and control for connection.”
You don’t need to rush. You don’t need to force it. But when someone shows up and you want to lean in, do it scared. You’re not starting over. You’re starting wiser.
And this time? You’re doing it with your eyes and your heart open.
xo,
Chatty
