If that is you, this year, I want you to consider taking a different approach. Instead of low-key loathing the day because your romantic status isn’t what you would perhaps prefer, why not use this as a time to go “boysober.”
Never heard of that before? Let me break it down so that you can perhaps end up having one of your best Valentine’s Days to date.
First, What Does It Mean to Be Sober?
It’s kind of sad that pretty much the only thing that (most) people think about whenever the word “sober” enters the chat, is someone who isn’t drunk off of alcohol because it definitely has a lot more meanings than that. To be sober is to be serious. To be sober is to be subdued. To be sober is to be self-controlled (that’s a really good one). To be sober is to be rational and even sane. Synonyms for sober include words like calm, restrained, steady, and — check it — abstinent (we’ll circle around to that in just a minute).
So, really, well beyond having one too many, when the phrase “sober up” comes up, as you can see, that can go so many different directions — and that is why, for the most part, I actually support the made-up word that’s currently getting its fair share of traction these days: BOYSOBER.
Next, What Does It Mean to Be “Boysober”?
I like to give credit where credit is due and, from what I’ve read and researched, a comedian in her late 20s by the name of Hope Woodard has coined the term “boysober.” To her, it means that it’s a time when women choose to go without all things romantically related to men: no (real) flirting, no dates, and certainly no sex. The purpose of this? To instead use the time to do some self-reflecting, healing, and figuring out what you really want (as opposed to the patterns you may just be used to).
Another benefit of being boysober is to put the effort and energy that typically would go into a relationship into cultivating more love for self — and that is something that I will always get behind (the love yourself part, I mean).
Now, when it comes to the no-sex part, I will say that there are some connotations there that have some layers to them. I’ll explain.
The Difference Between Celibate and Abstinent
According to Hope, the motivation for why she decided that not having sex applies to being boysober is based on two (main) reasons. One, she feels like the word “celibate” is a religious term which, if folks are celibate, they don’t really have much of a choice. Hmm. I guess she’s saying that the standards of religion make people feel “shamed” or “feared” into sexual purity which I don’t 100 percent agree with.
Anyway, to her, boysober sounds/feels more empowering and liberating. In fact, in an interview, she was quoted as saying:
“I hate ‘celibacy’ so much, because I don’t want to give credence to anyone saying you’re more lovable or respectable or better if you’re not having sex…Boysober is about taking time to pause, reflect, and reprioritize — not to gain male approval.”
We’ll come back to that…
Her second reason: in the same article, she said that although she consented to all of the sex that she had, she wasn’t necessarily given permission; to her, being boysober is all about her and not guys as far as her sex-related choices are concerned.
Okay, so as for the celibacy thing — although I could pen a book, for sure, about how churches, overall, could do so much better when it comes to teaching purity culture (no lie), I do find it fascinating that so much of what religion teaches, one way or another, “secular culture” seems to find its way to…or back to, one way or another. At the end of the day, being celibate does mean to abstain from sex — and yes, it’s oftentimes due to religious reasons, because some set of Scriptures (because not only Christianity practices celibacy) encourages being that way until marriage (or forever if they choose not to get married).
That said, if someone wants to do that, that is a freewill choice and they shouldn’t be “shamed” by non-religious people for choosing it. Some people believe that sex is for marriage alone; no one should be gaslit for feeling that way. Again, that is their choice. It should also go on record that celibacy is sometimes a lifetime decision (priests and nuns come to mind).
Whereas being abstinent? That is a temporary season of going without sex — and yes, it has always bothered me that folks use those two words interchangeably because while the act may ultimately be the same, the motives and timing are quite different. And actually, what it seems that Hope is referring to, is abstinence. Boysober is a season of abstinence, not celibacy.
Which brings me to her second boysober reason. I’ll just say that it’s always important to take personal accountability for the decisions that we make (you won’t really grow any other way) and one way to do that is to really understand WHY you are having sex before you have it. We live in a time when so many folks are so casual about sex that they tend to forget (if they ever really knew) what casual means and one definition is “without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing” which pretty much means that something lacks any real purpose…or meaning.
Again, how wild is it that our culture likes to push sex as nothing more than a fun activity down our throats — oh, but when it’s time to do some evolving and maturing, going without sex is one of the top practices that comes up? Fascinating indeed.
All this to say, if you are thinking about chilling out on the sex tip for a while, ask yourself: 1) Is it for religious or other reasons; 2) is the plan until marriage (celibate) or just for a season (abstinent), and 3) are you going to take the time to do some inner work that goes beyond simply…leaving guys alone (sex journaling can help with this one, by the way)? Because the saying, “Everywhere you go, there you are”?
Well, in this instance, it makes no sense to not have romantic involvements if you’re not going to be self-introspective, so that once you’re done with your break, you are able to choose wiser and better — and that requires you shifting some things within yourself, not just taking some days, weeks or months to not engage with the fellas.
Why Valentine’s Day Is a Great Day to Try Being Boysober
There’s a reason why I think that, for the most part, the concept of going boysober isn’t just an intelligent thing to do from time to time but Valentine’s Day could be an awesome moment in your life to give it a shot. It’s because, unfortunately, Valentine’s Day is considered to be one of the most stress-filled holidays of the year.
Couples are expected to go over-the-top when it comes to their expressions of love while singles oftentimes feel bad if they don’t have anyone, romantically, to celebrate the day with. I’m not exaggerating either. I actually read that the dating site Plenty of Fish once conducted a survey citing that 43 percent of singles stated that no day of the year gives them more anxiety than Valentine’s Day. A day honoring love…totally stressing you out. Goodness.
Is it crazy to see couples all over the place and wish that you were in one on February 14? No. It isn’t. Know what is…not sober (you know, sane), though? Being so caught up in not having someone that you overlook what a happily married wife over a couple of decades once said to me; something that, after 20 years of working with married folks, I absolutely agree with: “The loneliest night alone beats being in a bad marriage any day.”
Listen, self-love includes coming to the conclusion that you don’t just want SOMEONE; you desire THE RIGHT ONE…and then celebrating yourself for not just saying it but meaning it — and being boysober can play a role in that because, by choosing to exert self-control, by choosing to take your love for self over everything else (right now) serious, by choosing to remain calm while others may be freaking out on Valentine’s Day…that can transform you in a myriad of different ways. All beneficial too.
And so, while some folks are out here acting like Valentine’s Day is a cuss word (LOL), you can get and then remain excited about what it means to choose to have a sober-minded approach to men, relationships, and sex. You can be genuinely happy about the fact that, no, you don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day and it’s all because you choose to focus on you — via a self-pamper day, deals on drinks at Applebee’s, a discount on an ice cream cake at Baskin Robbins or some of these other deals (that I found for this year) here. And how absolutely bomb is that?
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Actor Lucille Ball once said, “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” Author Katrina Mayer once said, “Loving yourself isn’t vanity. It’s sanity.” Author Kamal Ravikant once said, “The truth is to love yourself with the same intensity you would use to pull yourself up if you were hanging off a cliff with your fingers.” Singer Whitney Houston once sang, “Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all.” Author Paulo Coelho once said, “When you say ‘yes’ to others make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”
Going boysober is one way to amplify all of this in some truly significant ways.
Going sober certainly has its benefits. Try it.
You just might like it. No, LOVE it.
Just in time for Valentine’s Day. #wink
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