“Don’t be like her if you become a journalist,” my relative said, referring to Rani Chatterjee’s character in the film Rocky and Rani’s love story when she confidently expresses her opinion on social issues. I smiled teasingly at her and said, “Oh, really? Don’t worry, I’ll be just like her.” But soon my smile faded and I wondered why everyone was so afraid of women. What harm do we do when we express our opinions, stretch our arms, take up space as others do, and share our opinions without beginning with “I don’t know if I’m right” or acting modestly as if I was born slowly?
Where do my little feminist acts actually begin? I have come a long way from thinking about this question to taking uncompromising action. The best way to learn was to unlearn everything that society has conditioned me to believe, not just family but even the media, and I don’t mean social media exactly, but various forms of media that sell us romantic comedies like hot tidbits with expectations that almost gave me FOMO (fear of missing out). Luckily I come from a Bengali household, hence the idea Wedding as the absolute necessity or ultimate goal was not really conveyed to me. But expectations fill you in small ways, and that became clear to me at my cousin’s wedding.
How the women around me taught me to live life on my own terms
She passed her CA exam while married and as great as it sounds, I saw her walking on eggshells and convincing her mother that she can’t get pregnant yet because she needs to build a career. I have also observed how the pressure of being 26 and yet unmarried manifested itself before marriage in the form of small taunts that were covered up with feigned care. Even when I understood the pressures of society and the will of her mother who wanted her daughter to have a good life, I still wondered whether marriage was a choice or a commitment.
Source: FII
Nevertheless, she is very happy today and I wish her that with all my heart. At some point she taught me to set boundaries in life, even with my own people. I found mine feminist joy E.g. when I say: “I have a long life ahead of me, what is meant for me will find me” or “I don’t like forcing myself” when faced with the accusation that I don’t care enough about my family/friends. Other women often tell us: “Sometimes we women have to make compromises so that there is peace in the house” or the classic “You are so beautiful, get a career soon and we will find a man for you.” At this point I would like to point out how ridiculous this sounds because I am 21.
“Good girls never make history, swastika, it’s always the one who respects herself who wins,” my friend told me, inspired by the story of historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Quotewhen I was going through a terrible phase in my life where I struggled to convince others to like me and struggled to blend in, only to realize that I was afraid of standing out. My feminist microact begins with choosing myself when I’m drained and no longer saying, “Oh, I can do this,” even when I have a ton of work to do.
The importance of boundaries and standards
As a perfectionist and wannabe overachiever, I struggled with boundaries because I assumed people might think less of me. But I learned another little act: self-talk. I now ask myself, “Do I deserve to be treated like this?” and “I’m allowed to be angry, and I don’t always have to be the good person.” Sounds very simple, doesn’t it? The problem isn’t having standards, it’s implementing them when people have thought less of you throughout your life, when your dynamic changes and you suddenly become selfish (insert relationship).
The problem isn’t having standards, it’s implementing them when people have thought less of you throughout your life, when your dynamic changes and you suddenly become selfish (insert relationship).
Sometimes the very act of wanting to choose yourself is met with comments like, “Oh, she’s difficult” or “She’s selfish,” when all you’ve said is that you refuse to be a scapegoat. But these are the same people who pride themselves on being in toxic relationships and marriages and controlling their loved ones, not to mention taking a stand for themselves. After all, respect shouldn’t come from fear of “disrespect,” and setting boundaries and standards doesn’t make you a selfish and inconsiderate friend.
Source: FII
I have a theory called the Cat Theory: People who hate cats hate boundaries. Not that people who love dogs or other animals are bad people, but cats are animals that essentially behave like humans. How? Cats need time to trust a human, let alone love them. It’s slow burn yet rewarding when you feel like you’re being chosen by a cat. It shows your ability to be patient, gentle, and someone who respects personal space rather than someone who thinks others belong to him. The more you unnecessarily apologize to others, the more you reject yourself. Let’s choose ourselves with pride, have standards, and live life the way we want.
Choosing myself is not an act of selfishness. My freedom is not just rebellion, but rather a political stance shaped by my gender, my age, my family structure, my class expectations and my cultural influence on my relationship to the world. While this is something I want, I am also sometimes reminded that one day I will have to follow society’s rules, which limits my ability to make decisions for myself. In the tension between freedom and coercion into submission, I have developed a way to say “no” to things that do not serve me without feeling guilt. I consider the joyful side of feminism to be establishing standards for myself that support my peace and quiet Boundariesinstead of suffering in silence. I can no longer be “easy to love” if it means I will cease to exist.
Swastika Chakraborty is a third-year media studies student. She has a keen interest in feminist perspectives on femininity, loves questioning norms and is keen to learn how identity and power are negotiated in social or cinematic spaces.
