“Are all your travelers single?”
That’s a question I often get as the founder of NextTribe, which offers trips around the world for women over 45. When I tell people that about half of the women are single—either divorced, widowed or never married—and the other half have husbands, I’m usually met with amazement. For many people, it may sound strange that a married woman would want to go on a big trip without her partner!
But after eight years of curating trips, I am not surprised at all. Many women who travel with us say that their partners simply don’t want to travel any more. Or their husband wants a different kind of experience. Maybe their partner just wants to relax at an all-inclusive resort, rather than explore something more immersive and filled with cultural excitement.
Practically speaking, separate journeys can make a lot of sense. “I do travel with my husband, but we also take separate trips,” says Lesley Sondey of New York City. “He travels a lot on business and goes on a couple of ski or golf trips with the guys.” So Sondey chooses to travel with women. “When I travel with my girlfriends,” she says, “I know I can pop into stores to look at clothing or pottery without worrying that my husband is standing around, looking at his phone.”
A New Phase of Life
Saying bye to one’s partner and traveling solo, with friends, or with a group can dovetail beautifully with midlife and beyond given how careers and families tend to morph. For instance: “When my kids went off to college – they’re twins, so they both left at the same time – there I was, a stay-at-home mom trying to figure things out, feeling a little lost,” said NextTribe traveler Kelly Topfer, who lives in Austin.
“My girlfriends and I started going to the Sundance Film Festival. It was so fun to see all those films and discuss them,” she said, “both with my friends and then with my husband and kids when I got home.”
Topfer didn’t stop there: “Then I discovered NextTribe and fell in love with the whole idea of it. The women I met were wonderful, honest, engaging, and non-judgmental. I felt such a connection even before the trips on our group chats.”
At NextTribe, we tend to attract women who are curious, engaged, still longing for adventure. They’re often easy-going and open to new opportunities or challenges.
This means that within our small groups (normally the maximum number of travelers is 14), the women are like-minded and quickly form bonds. On the questionnaires after each trip, we often hear some version of, “I came knowing no one, but left with a bunch of new friends.”
Making New Friends
Traveling without your partner can also let you be, well, just you. It lets you stretch and feed your spirit. Leslie Mendel, a frequent traveler from Atlanta, says that since most of her girlfriends travel only with their husbands, she’s found that small group travel suits her adventurous spirit.
“I like meeting and learning about new people,” she explains, “and taking trips that are more local and off-the-beaten-path, where I can have experiences I wouldn’t be able to on my own.” One of her favorite memories was a
NextTribe trip to Santa Fe, where the group had access to a private exhibition with the photographer of 60’s rock musicians, sharing stories of her wild adventures.
For many women, traveling without their partner can feel like a weight taken off their shoulders. I have often noticed that when women are on a trip with a husband, they directed a lot of their energy to making sure he’s having fun. Over time, most women have come to learn there’s nothing worse than being in a glorious destination with someone who’s mopey or dragging his heels. If you have to prop someone up, always checking his mood, his reaction, his happiness meter, then it saps away the joy.
Plus, if you’re in a tight twosome, you’re less likely to interact with people you meet along the way. You create a more closed off presence. Even at restaurants in the most exciting spots, I see couples in their 50s and older sitting at a table barely talking. I think most of us who see them cringe and make a small prayer that we never turn into that with our man.
Supercharging Your Relationship
Here’s another reason to travel without your mate: Solo time is a relationship enhancer. Renowned psychotherapist and best-selling author Esther Perel, LMFT, says “When our lives are woven together, intentionally breaking our routines can become a ritual” that enriches us even more when we come back together.
Separate adventures can pull you closer. “Desire is rooted in absence and longing,” Perel has written. “If our partner is in front of us all the time, a business trip away or time with friends can give desire the space it needs to
thrive.”
There should be no guilt about stealing away sans partner. “My husband is supportive (also jealous!),” says Leslie Mendel. “I’ve worked hard raising a family and having a career. I deserve these experiences.”
One married woman who is going to Scotland found a way to present the trip to her husband who very much wanted to go along. “I told him I’d be scouting for our trip,” she reports. “I emphasized that my trip would make our trip better when we go together. That shut him up. Win-win!”
Read More:
No One to Travel With? No Problem! Top Ideas for Solo Travel