You are arguing with your partner about the dishwasher not being loaded, and somehow what seems like a mall moment, it escalates into a tense, emotionally charged argument. You are both frustrated, confused, and maybe even hurt. But let me tell you, the argument is not really about the dishwasher.
Most everyday fights are not really about what they seem. What looks like a small argument, underneath it is usually covering up a deeper fear, like being left, not feeling good enough, or feeling unloved. When these fears get triggered, even little things can feel like a big deal and make us react strongly.
Couples often argue about practical things, like, money, chores, parenting, how time is spent. But underneath, the real pain is rooted in unmet emotional needs or old wounds.
For example:
The partner who gets upset when you are late for dinner might be reacting not to the delay itself, but to a deeper fear of not being valued or prioritized.
The partner who complains about your scrolling through your phone during a conversation may actually be expressing a fear of emotional abandonment.
The partner who constantly corrects your choices may not be controlling. They might be terrified of uncertainty and feeling unsafe.
These hidden fears often stem from early life experiences or past relationships. If someone grew up in a home where love was inconsistent or conditional, they may be hyper-sensitive to anything that resembles being dismissed, forgotten, or unloved even if it’s just a missed text or a delayed reply.
When fear takes the driver’s seat, logic takes a back seat. The brain senses danger even if it’s just emotional can go into survival mode—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. That’s why a calm discussion can suddenly spiral into an intense conflict.
For example, you say to your partner, “You never listen to me when I’m talking.” But the underlying fear is “I’m afraid I don’t matter to you.”
Or when you say, “Why didn’t you tell me about your plans?” The underlying fear is “I’m scared you are pulling away, and I will be left behind.”
Unless these core fears are named and explored, couples can keep arguing in circles. They fixate on logistics while never addressing the emotional truth.
So, pause and ask yourself, “What is this fight really about? Take a breath and reflect on whether a deeper emotion is being stirred—rejection, not feeling good enough, or the fear of losing connection.
Instead of speaking from the fear “You never help around the house,” try, “When I do everything alone, I start to feel ignored. And that really hurts.” Vulnerability disarms defensiveness.
Even if the dishwasher didn’t get loaded, what your partner really needs to hear is, “I see that you are feeling overwhelmed. I get that you need support.”
If certain arguments keep repeating, it may help to explore them with a professional.
Not every fight is really about what it looks like. A lot of times it’s two nervous systems trying to protect themselves from being hurt again. But when couples stop and look at what’s really going on underneath, like the feelings behind the words, they can actually feel closer, even during a fight.
Because at the end of the day, most fights are not about dishes, schedules, or phones. They are about the pain of feeling unseen, unheard, or unloved. And when that pain is acknowledged, the need to fight starts to decline.
About the Author:
Sonali is a relationship coach who shares insights from Psychology & Neuroplasticity to
help you optimize your daily life and your marriage/relationship. With the power of honest
communication, she helps you create intimate and meaningful relationships.
Using simple tools and insights, she guides her clients to break old patterns and show their
strengths, whether they are single, dating, or in a committed relationship, to create the love and
life they deserve. She has written for ThriveGlobal, Marriage, Divorcemag & Medium.
Find her on:
Website: www.lovelifecoachxo.com
Podcast – https://podcasts.apple.com/ee/podcast/relationship-realities-exposing-the-
truths/id1746423589
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@sonalikukrejaXO
photo source: Unsplash