I used to think confidence was something you either had or you didn’t. Like some women were just born with this unshakeable sense of self, while the rest of us fumbled through life second guessing everything from our career choices to our outfit selections.
Then I met Lisa at a workshop last year. She was magnetic in that effortless way that made you want to be around her. When I told her this over coffee afterward, she laughed so hard she nearly spit out her latte.
“Three years ago, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without criticizing something,” she said. “Confidence isn’t something you find. It’s something you build, one small decision at a time.”
That conversation started what I now think of as my own confidence project. And it’s changed everything.
The Weight of a Thousand Small Criticisms
Here’s something we don’t talk about enough: the mental exhaustion of constant self criticism. Every morning, getting dressed becomes an evaluation. Every photo becomes evidence of perceived flaws. Every reflection in a store window is another opportunity to tear yourself down.
I didn’t even realize how much energy I was spending on this until my friend Sarah pointed it out. We were getting ready for an event, and I must have changed outfits four times, each time focusing on what I wanted to hide rather than what made me feel good.
“Do you hear yourself?” she asked gently. “You’ve spent twenty minutes talking about what’s wrong with your body. When’s the last time you said something nice about yourself?”
I couldn’t remember. And that gutted me.
The truth is, I’d been carrying around this running commentary of criticisms for so long that it had become background noise. My stomach wasn’t flat enough. My arms looked soft. That stubborn area under my chin that no amount of contouring could hide. The list went on and on.
When You Realize Something Has to Change
The turning point came at my college reunion. I’d been dreading it for months, obsessing over what I’d wear, how I’d look. I’d been working out consistently, eating well, doing all the “right” things. But certain areas of my body just weren’t budging, no matter what I did.
At the actual event, I spent the first hour so self conscious that I barely heard the conversations happening around me. I was too busy mentally cataloging my perceived flaws and wondering what everyone else was thinking about how I looked.
Then I overheard my former roommate talking to someone about a career risk she’d taken. “I figured, what’s the worst that could happen? I spend my whole life wondering what if? No thanks. I’d rather try and fail than never try at all.”
Something clicked. I was so busy worrying about my appearance that I was missing my actual life. These small insecurities were having a massive impact on how I showed up in the world. Or more accurately, how I didn’t show up.
The Permission to Want What You Want
There’s this weird guilt that comes with admitting you want to change something about your appearance. Like you’re betraying the body positivity movement or admitting you’re shallow. I felt it every time I considered doing something about the areas that bothered me.
But my therapist asked me something that shifted my perspective entirely: “If this was about any other aspect of your wellbeing, would you feel guilty about addressing it?”
Of course not. If I was struggling with anxiety, I’d get help. If I needed glasses, I’d get them. If my knee hurt, I’d see a doctor. Why was this different?
It’s not about hating yourself. It’s about wanting to feel comfortable in your own skin. There’s no virtue in suffering through something that genuinely impacts your quality of life when solutions exist.
Finding Your Own Path Forward
My confidence project started with research. Real research, not just scrolling through Instagram ads. I talked to women who’d addressed similar concerns. I read actual medical information. I looked into practices that specialized in helping women feel like themselves again.
What I learned is that there are so many options now for addressing the things that bother us. Non invasive procedures have come so far. CoolSculpting , for example, targets those stubborn fat areas that resist diet and exercise without surgery or significant downtime. It’s not about dramatic transformation. It’s about finally seeing results in areas that have frustrated you for years.
But here’s the thing: the procedure itself isn’t what builds confidence. It’s making the decision to prioritize yourself. It’s saying “I deserve to feel good about myself” and actually meaning it.
I ended up consulting with YMD Facial Plastic Surgery after months of consideration. What struck me most was that they didn’t try to sell me on anything. They listened to what bothered me, what my goals were, and helped me understand what was actually realistic. No promises of perfection. Just honest conversation about what could help.
The Ripple Effect of Feeling Better
Here’s what surprised me most about addressing something physical that had bothered me for years: it affected everything else. When I stopped spending mental energy on that constant criticism loop, I had more bandwidth for everything else in my life.
I spoke up more in meetings. I stopped declining social invitations because I felt uncomfortable. I took photos without that immediate cringe of dread. Small things that added up to feeling more present in my own life.
My daughter noticed. “Mom, you seem happier,” she said one morning. Not “you look different.” Just happier. Because I was. The physical change was subtle, but the emotional shift was massive.
Building Confidence One Choice at a Time
Lisa was right. Confidence isn’t something you stumble upon. It’s built through a series of small, intentional choices. Sometimes that’s setting a boundary. Sometimes it’s pursuing a goal you’ve been putting off. Sometimes it’s addressing something physical that’s been weighing on you.
The key is being honest with yourself about what you actually need and giving yourself permission to pursue it without guilt or justification.
My confidence project is ongoing. Some days are better than others. But I’m no longer waiting to feel good about myself. I’m actively building that feeling, choice by choice, day by day.
And that shift from passive hoping to active building? That’s changed everything.
You don’t need permission to want to feel good about yourself. You don’t need to justify prioritizing your own comfort and confidence. You just need to be brave enough to take that first small step.
Whatever that step is for you, it’s worth taking.