I love nature, but I live in the city I love silence, but I am surrounded by noise I love to listen, but I am drowned by my own thoughts I love play, but I am forced to work I love giving, but I am with a taker Why have I done this to myself? Today, I begin.
I was tired. I, like so many of us, raised my children as a single mother. Ran a business, started a second business, ran that until both ran me. Many of you will agree that life usually doesn’t get easier as you get older; it gets harder. It’s a different type of harder though, filled with emotions and problems you would never have foreseen in your 40s and 50s. It’s a myth that one day everything will be smooth and easy, including living alone.
In early 2020, I felt nudged to move abroad. Rather than wait to find someone to move internationally with me, or continue in a life that felt old, I shrugged and resolutely packed my bags.
I bought a ticket to Ecuador.
How to Move, Solo
In 2022, after my daughters went off to college, I gave all my furniture away to my neighbors who had just bought a house. They didn’t have enough money to furnish it, so they rented a truck, pulled it up to my back door, and removed everything. This could’ve felt like a stripping down, instead I felt overwhelming relief that my belongings were gone. I felt free, unburdened. Then I boarded the plane to Ecuador and haven’t looked back.
Living solo in a foreign country is akin to the night before getting married. You are excited for the future, but also know it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Here in Cuenca, Ecuador, there are over 10,000 expats from the United States and Europe who are either retired or nearly retired, so there is a dearth of interesting people to connect with. Everyone is an outsider and eager to help, make friends, and sample the latest cake and coffee shop on the corner.
After 24 hours in Ecuador, I found a furnished loft apartment near a bird park in a quiet part of town. I live alone but can be surrounded by friendly locals or expats whenever I feel like it. If you are a social butterfly, you will feel right at home with a full social schedule! The local population doesn’t really mind that we are here and put up with our spanglish and idiosyncrasies well enough.
In Hot Water
For example, my gringo neighbors wanted hot water in the kitchen. This might seem like a necessity in the western world, but here, and in many countries, it’s not important. I lived in the UK for 4 years in the early 1990s, and we never had hot water in the kitchen. It took too long for the water heater to heat up and subsequently caused the water bill to be higher, so no one cared about hot water for dishes.
My neighbors in Cuenca, fresh from Atlanta, had a mild temper tantrum over the issue of no hot water in the kitchen and caused our mutual landlady to roll her eyes in disbelief.
Now they have hot water in the kitchen, but are moving because they want a bigger kitchen. Gringos.
Food for a Fist Pump
Perspective can be a challenge when living in a third world country. Here in Cuenca, we have farm raised fruits and vegetables at the outdoor market about two blocks down. They are so fresh, most are still laden with dirt. My total food bill for the week is around $50 USD, with no GMOs or “why does this food look fake with no flavor or nutrients” going on.
Everyone who moves here loses weight and feels better, causing many a happy fist pump! What a concept. So you have to accept the good with the maybe not so good or mildly different and you will be fine.
A common phrase is, “Roll with it.” If you can’t roll with it, don’t come.
Sex Over 60
What about relationships if you don’t want to stay solo? I have a close friend in her late 60s who says she has had more sex since moving to Cuenca than ever in her life, and she was married for 10 years. It’s a wonderful thing that most Ecuadorian men don’t give a flip how old you are; they are passionate lovers of all.
A word to the wise; don’t look for commitment (from the locals) or timeliness. Ever. Roll with it.
Don’t You Miss Your Kids?
As for myself, I like being solo. The silence is beautiful, and when I need some community, it is available with little effort. There is always a party happening someplace in this town, and if you speak Spanish, you will never be without an activity or a super cute player to flirt with. Which begs the question, are any of us lonely or missing our kids and grandkids? Most of my friends are solo, so I asked them about this.
Across the board, my peeps sometimes feel lonely, but are so engaged with life they don’t dwell on it. I’ve learned that the keyword to enjoying life abroad and staying connected with family back home is budget. You concurrently save a ton of money on nearly everything, and then spend it on international travel. That being said, everyone becomes a genius at finding cheap flights and working the system as much as possible.
Key words: “roll with it” and “work it”.
How to Travel on the Cheap
In a nutshell, some apps are better than others, and you learn to shop like an OG (Original Gangster). My favorite apps are Hopper, Google Flights, and Momondo. If you do adapt to travel, you will find visiting family to be a fun excursion from a tranquil life into the madness of western society. Yes, you will probably miss people, and then there are those friends and family members who can’t wait to visit your country of choice.
On the whole, with cheap travel, FaceTime, Zoom, and WhatsApp, you have many strategies available to avoid loneliness.
Solo Doesn’t Have to Be Lonely
Not having the constant thumping of financial stress and “what exactly am I eating” issues is liberating, but with consequences. If you don’t like international travel, swipe left. If you enjoy new experiences and can manage the emotional challenges of starting over, not being as easily available for family, and transitioning into cold water in the kitchen, swipe right. Solo doesn’t have to be lonely and there are options to living a fulfilling life with all the challenges we face as we age.
You are not old yet and still have much to offer and experience in this crazy world. Many of you aren’t interested in living in South America, and are trying to find ways to manage being solo in your current environment. No matter what, living solo is an art form. From staying inspired, healthy, and engaged, it’s the phase of life you never realized could be so difficult and liberating in the same deep, cleansing breath.
Fist pump.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you looking to become an expat? Which country would you choose? Have you done some research? What would be your greatest challenge moving abroad as a solo woman?