In the city, far from home, she wakes up whenever she wants. She wears whatever she wants without comment. She meets friends after work, pays her own rent, and lives life on her own terms, that is, until she goes home. At home, the independence that felt completely normal in the city becomes a requirement. Suddenly their clothes are “too short”, evening outings are subject to a curfew, housework is mandatory and the questions are never-ending.
Young Indian women who have migrated to top cities for education or employment often experience a loss of autonomy when they return to their hometowns. Their freedom is often viewed as something they are “allowed” to do. They are told that their independence is the result of a “progressive education.” All of this just goes to show that autonomy is “allowed” for young women, not innate.
The idea of “permitted” freedom and autonomy
Moving to big cities gives young women a feeling of freedom without many constraints. But in their hometowns, they are expected to follow patriarchal rules to be a “good daughter.” Although these rules remain unspoken, they are still forced on women by their families. When a young woman comes home from her big job in the big city, she is either implicitly or explicitly anxiously reminded of how to be a “good daughter.”
This often starts with their clothing. Jeans, shorts, western style dresses and blouses must be replaced with a salwar kameez and a dupatta. Especially when guests are expected at home. Sometimes this is said gently to women, sometimes it is just implied. However, it’s not just about clothes; It’s about how in patriarchal societies, respect and family honor depend on the women of the house. A woman’s body therefore becomes one Statement about seriousness and signals how a daughter represents the values of her household.
Not only can she get out at any time in the city, her presence in public spaces also requires no explanation. However, at home there has to be a reason to get out. Going out once a day might still be okay, but beyond that it will bring unnecessary interference and questions. “Where to again?” may be a casual question, but it comes with the expectation of a detailed explanation. And in some households, detailed answers alone are not enough. Gentle suggestions follow to take a younger sibling or cousin with you. For a young woman, the city allows movement without any explanation, but her hometown demands answers from her.
In the city, housework is flexible and can be done on your own time and as you wish. However, at home, women are forced to do housework.
A simple phone call at home invites you to take a closer look. In the city, telephone conversations often last for hours. But at home, the phone calls become shorter and the voices instinctively quieter for fear that someone will overhear them. If it’s a long conversation, someone will casually ask: Who are you talking to? A seemingly casual question, but still aimed at invading a person’s privacy.
In the city, housework is flexible and can be done on your own time and as you wish. However, at home, women are forced to do housework. Although it was never formulated as an obligation, it is one nonetheless. If you decide against it, the family will quickly become angry.
The quiet adjustments expected of “good daughters.”
Having your own space is a luxury. However, when freedom and autonomy are constantly negotiated at home, women are left with no space that they can truly call their own. Whenever distant relatives arrive, the salon transforms into a stage on which the daughters can display sincere hospitality and ultimately femininity and patriarchal respectability. If the daughter stays too long, she invites her curious relatives to observe. When she disappears into her room, she is offended. So it oscillates in the middle – present but not prominent.
In many Indian families, a daughter’s independence is used to promote a progressive attitude. “We let them move to the big city.” “We trust that our daughter will live alone.” “We always wanted her to work at this company.” While these comments may be made out of pride and affection, they also position a young woman’s autonomy as something that parents have allowed or granted. The freedom given to the daughter is often seen as a sign of how progressive the family is, even if this freedom and autonomy comes with control and restrictions.
Sociologists believe that women do not easily give in to certain adjustments; They constantly recalibrate their behavior in different scenarios. They know that the autonomy that is unchallenged in the city must also be carefully exercised at home.
Home needs to be a place of calm, but for many young women this is not the case. Sociologists believe that women do not easily give in to certain adjustments; She constantly recalibrate their behavior in different scenarios. They know that the autonomy that is unchallenged in the city must also be carefully exercised at home.
For women, their hometowns become places of constant negotiation, where their freedom is not their own and can be suppressed at the will of their families. It’s not that families don’t love or care for their daughters, but this idea of ”allowed freedom” is a product of how deeply patriarchy continues to influence our society today and how women continue to be expected to surrender to it.
Mehwash is a part-time writer and full-time dreamer. She is a journalist who believes in spreading kindness through stories and looks forward to making an impact on the world with her words. And when she’s not working, you can watch her get lost in the world of fiction.