In my work with couples, I like to think of Kintsugi’s Japanese art. The word means “gold repair” and refers to practice to bundle broken ceramics with paint and gold powder. Instead of hiding the cracks, Kintsugi illuminates them. The once broken object becomes even nicer despite its history, but therefore.
The same can apply to relationships.
Every couple will experience breaks. Sometimes they come in the form of betrayal, misunderstandings, a slow drift or simply the accumulation of uncovered needs. If a relationship cracks under pressure, the instinct could consist of throwing it away or trying to force them again as it was once.
However, this is not possible because the original form has changed. It is a bit like the example in which someone collapses a piece of paper and then smoothes it again. It is still an intact piece of paper, but it is definitely not the same smooth surface as before.
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But in contrast to this crumpled piece of paper, which only exposes the damage it has been, without improvement, Kintsugi reminds us that there is the potential to build what came before and it shaped something new.
Broken relationships are like broken ceramics
When couples come into the therapy, they often sit with the broken parts of something they have once deeply valued. The process of healing, reconstruction of the connection requires effort. It cannot be rushed – and it rarely looks like perfect restoration. In fact, we wouldn’t want it, because that would mean that there would have been no growth.
Every step that a couple takes mutual towards each other creates trust even in the event of complaints that repair is possible. Over the years I have seen that relationships not strengthen by avoiding conflicts, but the promotion of the skills they need to move them. The cracks do not disappear, but they become part of a story that they wrote together.
How does this translate into the everyday relationship?
Here are 4 tips with which couples can strengthen their connection after a fracture:
1. Humanization imperfect: Instead of dealing with a flawless relationship, concentrate on building one that can manage real life. Talk openly about the moments that felt difficult or disappointing. Use language like “This was difficult for me” instead of showing fingers. Plan time to find out what you learned from previous conflicts. The goal is not to extinguish the break, but to understand it and learn how to react differently to move forward.
2. Practice self -compassion: It is easy to have difficulty or your partner if something goes wrong. Instead, pay attention to the inner voice that appears according to conflicts. Ask yourself: “Would I speak to a friend in this way?” If not, rewrite the story. Take a break in moments of tension and just say: “We both do the best we can.” This small practice helps reduce the loss of defense and creates space for repairs.
3 .. Build resilience through reflection: Take your time after a disagreement or a challenging season to think as a couple. Ask each other: “What did Usget help?” And “What could we do differently next time?” Write down your answers. Keep a diary together or a document in which you will watch these considerations. Over time, this recording becomes a memory of its ability to control difficulties together.
4. Create meaning together: Language forms perspective. If you describe every argument as a failure, you are less likely to grow. Instead, move the frame. Try to say: “That was a turning point” or “We learned something important about ourselves there.” Mark these moments when they have come together to repair something and celebrate them, even if it is in a small way.
The art of moving forward
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The repair of a relationship is rarely about returning what was. It is about deciding what comes next. Just like Kintsugi honors the story of a broken object by making it more sensible, couples have the opportunity to create something new from what may have felt lost.
If you are in the repair process, give it time, give him care and remember that the effort you use in understanding makes the bond even more than before.
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