Just the Tip is back! The incomparable Jera Brown has handed the reins for Rebellious Magazine’s long-running sex and relationship column to the one-and-only Karen Yates. Karen is a certified somatic sex and Tantra educator. Her podcast Wild & Sublime covers inclusive sex and relationship topics, and the live show is produced in Chicago.
The next Wild & Sublime show is Sunday, February 8 at Lincoln Lodge, 2040 N. Milwaukee Ave. Get your tickets here.
My fiancée and I have been living together for nearly four years. Over time, we’ve faced many ups and downs — like any couple. I’ve tried to introduce new ideas to strengthen our bond, including the possibility of exploring couple-sharing or inviting a third person into our relationship. However, every time I bring it up, she gets upset and refuses to consider it.
I’m not trying to pressure her, but I do want to understand how to navigate this respectfully. I value our relationship deeply and want to find a path that honors both of our needs.
Would love to hear your thoughts. Maybe you can provide some basic steps where we can start.”
Monogamy Blues
[Note: He provided his full name but no fun anonymous name to use. I created this one.]
Now that nonmonogamy has entered the cultural conversation, it’s become a viable option for some people to consider, especially when in long-term relationships. Consensual nonmonogamy has the potential to add sexual excitement, get particular needs met (such as kink) and can add a level of emotional intimacy.
But your situation has nothing to do with nonmonogamy, MB.
Your problem is that you want something that your partner absolutely does not want. And we would be having the same conversation whether it was about you wanting to explore BDSM, pegging, pup play, whatever, and your partner being unwilling to go along.
Since every time you bring up couple-swapping or inviting a third person into your relationship “she gets upset and refuses to consider it,” she most likely will not consider it in the near future or mid future or quite possibly the far future. It seems like she isn’t in a place where it even exists as a faint question. Some people just aren’t interested in couple swapping or a triad polyamory situation.
Why? One reason could be cultural mores. Monogamy is in the air we breathe and the water we drink. Some of this is due to the influence of religion, but even if you’re not religious, the belief in monogamy is a strong one, and modern Western society — through laws and customs — is still based on it.
Another reason is insecurity and fear of abandonment. When we finally find that certain someone, and for many people it has been a journey akin to summiting a 14er, we don’t want to lose that person. Our beloved having sex with another person — even right in front of us in bed — completely breaks our brains. Nope. Uh-uh. NO WAY.
The working narrative is usually that if the beloved is having sex with someone else — even three inches from us — that greatly increases the probability that they will a) find the new person greatly superior to us in terms of sexiness and skills; and/or b) fall in love with that other person; and/or c) leave us. (Of course, monogamy doesn’t fix the leaving part: We can still meet new people and end current relationships because of them.)
Finally, the third reason: She simply has no interest. Full stop.
“I’m not trying to pressure her, but I do want to understand how to navigate this respectfully.”
Are you really not trying to pressure her, MB? Let me get back to my first point. Since you’ve brought up nonmonogamy more than once — and as an aside, let me say that couple-swapping and a triad poly relationship are two very different things — and she gets upset, you are not listening to her.
Therefore, I need to ask: Is this request for you or for her? You say you want to strengthen your bond, but the conversations you’ve had with her originate from your desires. You have been in a relationship for at least four years. Maybe you’re sexually bored. Maybe you want to experiment with multi-partner sex because it turns you on.
Whatever the reason, you first need to get clear about you and your wants rather than play a game where it’s her fault that things are problematic because you want to deepen the relationship with new sexual situations and she won’t go along with it. MB, please don’t blame her and act the victim. Take a different route and empower yourself.
I encourage you to have an honest talk with her about your desires and hers. Find a time to talk in a relaxed environment. Apologize if you didn’t listen to her in prior conversations. Share about aspects of the relationship that are causing you concerns and what your hopes for the relationship are. Let her know why you had wanted to try nonmonogamy, such as, “I was hoping to add some excitement to our sex life because it seems like we’re in a rut.” Or, “I’ve heard nonmonogamy is a way to deepen emotional intimacy and I have been feeling more distant from you.”
Ask her what she wants for herself sexually and for the both of you, as well as her concerns. The conversation is not to manipulate her into doing something you want. It’s to strengthen your bond. This is a team dialogue, not you versus her.
If it’s about adding more spice to your relationship, each of you could select some scenes you like from the Wild & Sublime list of ethical porn sites, watch them together, and use it as a sexy way to learn more about each other and try something new. Or read a popular sex book together for ideas. If you come to an impasse, you might want to go to a sex therapist or coach. Continue building a bridge toward each other.
Have a sex or relationship question you’d like me to answer? Or want to be interviewed? Email me at rebelliousquestions@gmail.com.