I’ve been ghosted, and I am finally ready to write about it.
Long before this term became popular, or I knew what it meant…I was hurt in this way. We were best friends. Close. We had been in one another’s pockets.
Then, one day, nothing.
And nothing, for weeks, and then for months.
To be fair, my friend had experienced a traumatic situation which had likely recalibrated her ability to be self-aware and cognizant of her effect on me.
Initially, I had accounted for that. But then, after long gaps without communication she’d resurface, apologize, explain how lost she’d been.
Then, nothing.
All over again.
This went on for…I’m not sure how long.
Too long.
I felt sad, and confused.
She was so important to me. And this is why it went on too long.
I made excuses for my friend… for a while. One day I told my then-therapist about this friendship. I relayed my friend’s words, which were: “You can’t possibly know what it’s like to experience (this traumatic event).” And you know what my therapist said? “What a bitch.”
I had been trying to be caring, understanding, give her space. That statement, made from a therapist, woke me up.
***
One of the last few times we spoke, I explained how much her hot and cold behavior confused and hurt. I was crushed she wasn’t reaching out for me, in her time of need. I remember crying. I remember her soothing words, and a promise…which didn’t happen, of course.
I decided that would be the last time. Years later, she reached out to me out of the blue, and told me how much she missed me. She said she fantasized of visiting me here in Hawaii. I replied to her that I would always love her, but she had disappointed me so many times that I would not allow her back into my life again. It was simply too painful to be in relationship with her.
…She did not respond. That was to be expected.
***
Here’s what I know about myself:
…I am honest with myself about ending a relationship when it no longer resonates with me.
…I am honest with myself about not having availability for a person, at the moment.
…I am honest with myself about “plans changing” “Divine Timing”… or whatever you call it.
…I am skillful about communicating the above to the other person, in practical, neutral, ways.
I’d even say my skill and honesty are strengths. Did this arise because I’ve been badly burned? Maybe.
I’ve done healing work. While grieving that lost friendship, I could make parallels to her behavior and that of my mother. My mother made me empty promises, was unreliable. My friend was also very maternal, loving and lovely, just like my mom – and she triggered this memory of what I knew of early bonding with another female, a confusing blend of love, codependence, and denial.
So when someone: says one thing and does another, is not honest with me, is unreliable, unresponsive, or mysteriously disappears, it feels very personal. I am sensitized to it.
I feel vulnerable in this area, as you might expect. I’ve healed, but the scar remains.
It may be there for a long while. Expecting this to change, I’ve learned, is not realistic for me.
***
Ghosting is disappearing from a connection without explanation. And, it is a type of energy.
I have plenty of casual friends with whom we can go for months without replying to an email, and that feels natural and right, because we both pick it up again, eventually. That’s not ghosting. Mysteriously dropping the ball feels different. You know it when you know it- the feeling of it. Whether they are doing this unconsciously or not, doesn’t matter; what matters is how you feel.
For me, when I reach out to a person who I feel is a potential friend, or ally, and they are enthusiastically warm and responsive and then they go cold and silent, this can trigger confusion, sadness, self-doubt.
It can trigger feelings of not feeling valued enough by the other to be replied, or responded to. Because that’s where it lands for me.
***
Why am I writing about this now?
People drop the ball. People don’t reply, they don’t communicate. They get busy, distracted. Or, maybe they no longer resonate with the plans they once made with you. They ghost you.
They make plans to talk or connect, then drop the connection, for no good reason.
I don’t know about you, but it happens for me -quite a bit.
And I’m tired of how I feel about it. Even though lighter and less than ever before, even a pinprick hurts.
Maybe because I am experiencing my Chiron Return (Chiron natally squares my Venus in Cancer, and conjoins my 7th house Aries Moon); I want what I want from my personal relationships. I don’t want to suffer. I also know that it’s up to me to make this happen.
I want (and need) to feel a sense of control around this. When there’s an open-ended invitation that is not responded to, I feel like my boundary has a hole in it -literally; a gaping wide-open hole that anyone can walk through. This leaves me feeling totally out of my power.
Here’s what I’ve decided to do: Create a boundary, for myself. I give all open-ended communications 2 weeks to reach their natural conclusion, at which time, if I don’t hear back, I will take the initiative to say something, like “I haven’t heard back from you, so let’s connect at another time. xx” Lovingly, naturally. I am not doing this for them, or demanding: valuation, respect, a response. I am staying out of their business. I am doing this for me. I am closing the loop, I am giving myself closure. I am creating my own boundary.
Because I deserve this. I deserve to feel good. And my vulnerability to the feelings that this ongoing experience can create deserves my respect, and my care. Don’t I wish other people would just be straightforward, clear and honest?! YES!!! Sure, I do!!!
Not everyone is capable of that.
But you know what? I love learning how to BE my own best friend. I love figuring out how to do this.
***
I also love discovering new strategies that put my power back into my own hands…and my husband actually helped me with this one.
He has been going through a trying work-relationship thing. Although, technically, others have the power to do so, I could tell no one was able to capably respond. I said: “Let’s say that even though they should, they aren’t capable of responding to this for you. You need to create a strategy for yourself.” We came up with something. He did it, and he surprised everyone. He’s feeling freer and lighter.
After he thanked me for giving him that key, he came up with this idea to create closure for myself (yes, I am also married to my best friend :)).
I know that it’s popular to rant, hold inflexible opinions, and try to get other people to change. That doesn’t do anything for me. What does, always, is bringing it back to ME, 100%. I resonate with what the SUPPORT card says, (from my Intuitive Energy Deck guidebook):
“…At day’s end, it is not their job to figure out how to support us. It is ours. And the particular way others do not appear to support you truly serves to point out where you are not supporting yourself.” –Support Card, from the Intuitive Energy Divination Deck
This about sums up my approach in all of my relationships. Unlike complaining, it is empowering, and it ALWAYS works.