Emily Jamea, Ph.D., is a sex therapist, author and podcast host. You can find them here every month to share their latest thoughts on sex.
September is month of sexual health of consciousness.
In her first session I was sitting with me towards Jeremy and his wife Sonia. Sonia was angry. Jeremy fidgeted and turned his eyes on the floor.
“I think he has a porn addiction,” said Sonia. “That is out of control.” Her anger suddenly broke and revealed sadness. “I only know that he will lose the attraction to me. I can’t compete with the women to whom he masturbates.” Tears fulfilled their eyes. “I am approaching the menopause and he looks twenty younger. It’s gross,” she added, her tone changes again.
Jeremy’s cheeks rinsed. He looked up and looked for my face for judgment.
I slowly caught up and invited them both. Then I turned to Sonia. “I know how scary it feels for you. I hear your wish to protect the connection that you and Jeremy share. At the moment it feels threatened, and that is a lot to wear.”
Instead of questioning Jeremy about the details of his porn, I suggested that we first examine their values in relation to sex, connection and pornography.
Sonia and Jeremy have been together for almost two decades. The sexual frequency had rejuvenated once or twice a month. Both described sex as satisfactory when it happened. No long -term resentments or betrayal before this porn use came to light. But since her discovery, Sonia had become hypervigilant – and checked Jeremy’s browser history and unexpectedly responded to him. Porn had become a flashpoint for important conflicts.
For Sonia, porn felt dangerously close to infidelity, but Jeremy disagreed.
“Tell me what motivates you to look at porn,” I asked gently.
“I swear, I’m still dressed by my wife,” he said defensively. “For me, she is as beautiful as you have met the day we met. She doesn’t believe me, but it is true. Sometimes I am only bored or stressed out, or it has been a while since we have love. Sometimes it is easier to take a few minutes on the computer than risking rejection.
Sonia shook her head. “Sometimes I have no problem that he sometimes masturbates, but I don’t understand why he can’t just think of me.”
He looked painful. “I could.” When I looked at him, I could feel that he could probably give up to look at porn – but not without resentment that he approved something that he really did not see as problematic.
I turned to Sonia. “We do not recognize how quickly we develop ideas on certain value -loaded topics before we fully inform ourselves. I come into play here. I have read the science so that they don’t have to. I would like to explain what research about porn says and then investigate whether and how their feelings change when they know the facts. They nodded both.
I explained that the word “addiction” is often thrown around when people talk about sex and porn. The fact is, however, that there is no official diagnosis of gender or porn addiction. The diagnostic and statistical manual for mental disorders-5-TRs, which is the most widespread manual for diagnosing mental disorders in the USA, has no category of sex addiction. At one point, they strongly thought about including “hyper -sexual disorders”, but there was not enough evidence to secure them. The concerns included a lack of consistent criteria for the diagnosis, the risk of pathologizing normal deviations and behavior, and that there could be cultural and moral prejudices that influence the perception of “excessive” gender or pornostons.
The ICD-11, the diagnostic manual used by the World Health Organization, recognizes a “compulsive disorder of sexual behavior” as an impulse control disorder, not as a sexual or porn-specific addiction. In other words, the clinical concern is not porn itself, but if someone does not feel able to regulate their sexual behavior in a way that matches their values. An example would be a person who neglects work and family responsibility to see porn and, despite repeated attempts, cannot stop.
Unfortunately, the public perception of Porn often paints as bad when science paints a much more nuanced picture. I have emphasized eight important research points on pornography for Sonia and Jeremy.
- Porn alone “does not illuminate the brain as far as we believe. Watching porn certainly activates excitation paths, but brain scans show that the real intensity happens when we touch ourselves. In other words, it is a genital fighting, not porn that really fires us.
- The use of porn can actually improve excitement with a partner. In laboratory studies, people who looked more porn showed an excitement – not reduced – if they were sexually involved with their partners.
- The brain reacts uniquely to skin contact on skin. Some brain regions only switch on when they are touched by another person. Porn, a vibrator and even a treated hand cannot replicate this answer.
- Porn can improve the sexual satisfaction of women. Studies show that women who watch porn are more consistent orgasms than women who do not.
- Context is more important than porn itself. Most negative results connected to porn use of guilt, shame or confidentiality – not from porn itself. When porn is integrated into the value system of a couple, feelings are often neutral or even positive.
- The results make the results worse. People who feel guilty about porn have those who have most likely distress and relationship problems. In fact, only abstinence approaches can backfire, the shame worsen and even the risk of depression or suicide if people “fall back”.
- Research that describes sex as an addiction is often biased. The studies in which gender and porn are addicted are usually carried out by organizations who have a financial interest in the treatment of sex/porn addiction.
- Age and educational matter. We have some evidence that the use of porn can be problematic (still not addicted) when young people start early and look at a violent or harder core material, especially without healthy sex education.
When I went through the data, Sonia’s expression slowly turned too surprisingly from skepticism. “What you tell me basically violates everything I knew about porn. I still don’t like it, but I had no idea that this is what science says.”
“Most people don’t,” I confirmed. The anti-porn movement is strong and at the end of the day our culture is still largely rooted in Puritan values. “I would like to see whether we can change the conversation of fear and guilt in terms of understanding and selection. At the end of the day, you are the only two people who can determine your values for the use of porn for porn. But I want you to really think about how sexual privacy (not confidentiality) and autonomy fits your partner experience. Sonia.
Jeremy looked relieved. “I really have nothing to hide,” he said. “I am responsible for my use. I am extremely careful, only ethically and legally produced content. It is literally a quick means to an end, just like your vibrator sometimes for you. I cannot compete with Bobs magic (Sonia’s nickname for your battery -operated friend”). “
“Well, you brought me there …” she chuckled.
I explained that pornography like any form of entertainment can be misunderstood when people forget that it is a imagination. Just as we do not expect action film fans think car hunting or shootouts, we should not assume that porn viewers want to replicate everything they see on the screen or that watching porn influences a person’s sexual value system. I also informed Sonia that an entire category of ethical porn for women was actually produced.
“It will take some time to really examine whether I can change my attitude, but I assume I would be ready to see if I can have a good connection as long as Jeremy and I still have a good connection.
“I think this is a great starting point. At the end of the day, porn is neither good nor bad – it is like navigating couples. With an open dialogue, common values and exact information, you can transform a source of conflict into an opportunity for deeper trust and connections.”
Not all pornography are the same. Some content can affect people who have been traded with human trafficking or are minors. Be a responsible consumer – look for ethical sources that prioritize consent, security and transparency. There are even producers who create porn especially from women, for women, with a focus on authentic pleasure and diversity.
If you or your partner have sexual difficulties that you believe that you are related to porn, you know that it is unlikely that porn itself is the main cause. The challenge is more often to navigate the natural complexity of gender compared to the ease of lonely self -violation. With patience, communication and sometimes professional guidance, most couples can cope with these challenges and combine intimacy in a sensible way.
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