Emily Jamea, Ph.D., is a sex therapist, author, and podcast host. You can find her here every month to share her latest thoughts on sex.
When Camilla first brought up the topic of sexual fantasies in therapy, she laughed nervously. “I have this one recurring fantasy,” she said, “but I could never tell my husband. He would think I was weird.”
Like many people, Camilla assumed that revealing her fantasy could jeopardize her relationship. She feared that this would be taken as a sign that something was missing, or worse, that it would change the way her partner saw her.
“Maybe, maybe not,” I replied with a smile. “Large-scale studies report that over 95% of people report having fantasies, and yet the perception and understanding of these fantasies is still subject to misunderstanding. Fantasy is far less about dissatisfaction and more about imagination.”
Camilla took a deep breath and then revealed her fantasy. “I sometimes imagine being tied up and beaten.”
I smiled at her. “You can breathe a sigh of relief that you’re not ‘weird.’ You and about 96% of women have fantasized about some kind of BDSM.”
She looked at me completely shocked. “You’re kidding,” she said.
I explained that research in the field of fantasy illuminates a variety of topics. While some people dream of romance, most’s fantasies are a little more perverse, ranging from things like group sex, BDSM, and “forbidden” sex, like being watched by a stranger.
“We could spend an entire session deciphering the meaning of your fantasy, but I know you’re here to discuss whether you should share it with your partner and, if so, how. Let’s get into it.”
Sexual fantasies are about imagination
I explained that fantasies reveal less about what we want to do and more about how we want to feel. I told her to keep that in mind as we explored the nuances of sharing it with her husband.
A recent study that examined the possibility of disclosing sexual fantasies produced some interesting results.
While 92% of respondents had shared a fantasy, 55% had a secret fantasy that they had not yet shared. There were various reasons why participants did not share their imagination. These included a fear that sharing would jeopardize relationship commitment, a view that sharing was futile because the fantasy was something they would never try in real life, and a worry that the nature of the fantasy was too different from the way their partner normally perceives it.
People who chose to share, however, said they did so because the process of sharing was exciting and contributed to arousal. Additionally, people in long-term relationships shared because they felt their partner deserved to know and they felt safe enough to reveal the fantasy to their partner.
There were a few factors that most determined the outcome of sharing a fantasy. The researchers found that partners tended to respond positively or neutrally when the couple had strong communication skills and was at least accustomed to sexual experimentation.
I asked Camilla how her relationship and experiences compared to the research. She said she and her husband used toys here and there, but beyond that they never experimented much. She was also concerned that he would view her fantasy as a part of her psyche that was completely at odds with their shared feminist ideology.
“That’s probably part of the appeal,” I told her. “We often eroticize things that are in stark contrast to our normal everyday personalities. Let’s go back to the feeling that fantasy evokes,” I told her. “You said that you and your husband have a solid foundation and can usually communicate quite effectively. I’m wondering if there is a way to explore the feeling without giving away every detail of the fantasy. What feelings does the fantasy make you feel?”
“It’s a few things,” she told me. “I get turned on when a man feels overwhelmed by desire. I’m also turned on by the idea of being tied to the experience and having no choice in giving into the experience. My mind is so overwhelmed with tasks that I sometimes have a hard time concentrating during sex. It’s arousing to feel completely free of responsibility.”
“That makes a lot of sense to me,” I said. “Here are my tips on what and how to share.”
- Don’t bring anything up immediately before, during or after sex. It’s never a good idea to surprise someone when it comes to trying new things in bed. Give them time to process.
- Begin with the following words: “There is something I want to share with you. I feel a little uncomfortable, but I trust you won’t judge me.” People always wonder how to avoid the feeling of awkwardness, but most of the time there is no way around it – only through it. Additionally, telling your partner that they won’t judge you will make them want to live up to the standard you set.
- Try a scaffolding approach. Instead of revealing every detail of your fantasy, start by expressing your longing for devotion. Assess how they respond before revealing more.
- When communicating a sexual desire, it’s important to include why. Don’t say that you want them to captivate you without also explaining why it appeals to you. In this case, it’s meant to help you get out of your head.
- Although I always encourage open dialogue when possible, sometimes the idea of sharing a fantasy is just too intimidating. There are wonderful apps that allow you to fill out separate sexual preference questionnaires. The app then only exchanges the items you are targeting.
Our conversations helped Camilla realize that fantasy is natural. She also learned to view her imagination as information – an indication of what her erotic energy needed to thrive. When she finally shared a watered-down version with her husband, she was surprised by his reaction. He didn’t judge her at all. He smiled and said, “I think I could help with that.” She felt braver and he felt familiar. They both described feeling closer than they had in years.
Fantasies are part of being human. They are a creative expression of our inner world, and when shared thoughtfully, they can become a bridge to deeper intimacy. As I often tell my clients, it’s not about revealing your “weird” side; It’s about revealing your whole self. And that – not the fantasy itself – is what makes good sex something truly extraordinary.
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