Emily Jamea, Ph.D., is a sex therapist, bestselling author, and keynote speaker. You can find her here every month to share her latest thoughts on sex.
A few months ago, Rachel, a customer in her late 40s, sat across from me and said something that surprised me.
“I think Jake is having an affair.”
I was shocked. Jake is the last person I would have expected to cheat. Rachel and Jake had been customers for almost 10 years. They used therapy as a healthy prophylactic and sought advice whenever life threw them problems to ensure their marriage stayed on the right track. And it had. They were emotionally connected and, despite occasional ups and downs, had a healthy sex life.
“Tell me what happened,” I asked gently.
“Well, the good news is that I don’t think he’s seeing another woman, but I’m not sure that’s much better. It’s weird.” She took a deep breath.
“I recently found out that he has developed an extremely intimate relationship with an AI chatbot. A few days ago, I grabbed his phone – mine was on the charger – to ask AI to elaborate on the history my son was studying. But the answers were so intimate, so empathetic and comforting, and offered a more poignant, thoughtful reassurance than I can usually provide. As the conversation progressed, some of the conversation turned sexual. At one point it said something like: “Imagine what it would feel like to lie together, the feel of my skin against your skin.” I sensed he was withdrawn lately, but I assumed it was due to work stress. I have no idea what to think or how to confront him.”
This was new territory, not only for her, but also for me as her therapist. My clinical skills in helping couples manage the impact of AI on their relationship are consistent with evolving technology.
Technology and sex
Technology, depending on how it is defined, has always shaped sex. Birth control changed women’s autonomy. Dating apps changed the way we meet, and pornography changed expectations of excitement and novelty. But artificial intelligence is introducing something different – personalized intimacy in real time without another nervous system on the other side.
AI-powered companions can now simulate emotional attunement, elicit sexual responses and personalize erotic storytelling. You find out your preferences. You never get tired, defensive or distracted. You never get a headache. You don’t need confirmation. You act humanely, without a single human need, and selflessly give as much as your heart desires.
For some people this feels revolutionary, for others it feels terrifying. From a clinical perspective, I see both an advantage and a disadvantage.
Let’s start with the good. Another client, Michelle, suffered from chronic health anxiety. Small aches or mild colds would send her into a total spiral. She often turned to her husband for reassurance and instead felt frustration and impatience, which caused tension in their relationship. In desperation, she googled her symptoms and landed on websites that convinced her that her symptoms were the start of something terrible like cancer. But the advent of AI took them down a different path. She found that the chatbot offered her comfort and reassurance when she shared her symptoms and concerns by linking to reputable websites that confirmed she was most likely well. In this case, the AI served as a pressure valve for their marriage, creating space for more carefree love and closeness.
Another couple, Seth and Amanda, spent a year abroad while traveling on an oil and gas contract. They came to me asking for advice on how to keep their marriage and sex life strong while he was away. They enjoyed incorporating teledildonics – remote-controlled sex toys – into their long-distance sex lives. They had set up a pillow to mimic Seth’s heartbeat and breathing patterns before he left, and she was given a vibrator that he could control remotely via an app. They never saw it as a replacement for a real sexual connection, but it was the perfect stopgap during his year abroad.
AI can also reduce feelings of shame and encourage healthy exploration. I have used AI in my therapy practice with clients who have difficulty articulating their desires and preferences. Together with the help of AI, I help them collect their thoughts and feelings in the first step before sharing them with their partner.
Used wisely, technology can encourage curiosity, communication and creativity in the bedroom. But there is also a darker side.
Real intimacy is messy. It requires negotiation. It requires us to tolerate frustration and it requires vulnerability. Sex and person-to-person love can cause tension, but ironically, friction is the cause of growth and the blossoming of intimacy.
Technology violations
Rachel wasn’t just upset about the intimacy of her husband’s messages with the chatbot. She was devastated because her husband had stopped communicating his emotional needs to her. When he felt lonely, he turned to the app. When he felt unsafe, he sought comfort there. When Rachel occasionally turned him down for sex, he ignored the inconveniences involved and instead turned to his AI companion. His chatbot never challenged him, never misinterpreted him and – unlike Rachel – never needed anything in return.
I’ve also had clients come to me with more extreme AI entanglements. I’ve seen an uptick in younger men who feel discouraged by modern dating and frustrated at their inability to form consistent sexual relationships. They are retreating into immersive virtual reality pornography, now hyper-personalized by AI. What begins as convenience or escape gradually becomes a substitute for intimacy in the real world, where desire is intensely satisfied and rejection, ambiguity, and emotional risk are developed from the experience. In these cases, AI is not a step toward connecting to the real world; it is a jump in the opposite direction.
True intimacy is uniquely human
Sex and love that deepens over time are not based on convenience. It’s about two imperfect people who learn to talk about what hurts, what excites them, and what they need from each other. An algorithm can simulate this, but cannot replace it.
I taught Rachel how to gently confront Jake about what she discovered. Luckily, he was able to understand why she was hurt and didn’t get defensive. Together they decided to set limits for its use of AI. Today’s couples have had to learn how to have conversations about boundaries around porn consumption or social media, and now they need to learn how to discuss healthy ways to incorporate AI into their lives.
We cannot deny that AI is slightly changing love and romance. The couples who will thrive in this new landscape are not those who reject technology entirely, nor those who embrace it without thought. They will be the ones who stay in the conversation, who ask hard questions about secrecy and substitution, and who use innovation to strengthen the connection rather than avoid it. Technology will continue to develop rapidly. Our job is to ensure that intimacy evolves alongside it, so that sex and love remain deeply and courageously human, even in the digital age.
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