Emily Jamea, Ph.D., is a sex therapist, USA Today bestselling author, and podcast host. You can find her here every month to share her latest thoughts on sex.
As a sex and relationship therapist, my mission is to help people feel safe and confident in their sexuality. Most often, I work with people to increase desire, heal sexual dysfunction, overcome sexual inhibitions, or calm compulsive sexual urges.
But sometimes I work with people to help them feel safe and confident that their sexual feelings are non-existent – a sexual orientation called asexuality.
In a world that focuses heavily on romance, desire, and sexual relationships, asexuality is often overlooked. But it is just as valid as any other sexual orientation. Approximately 1% of the population identifies as asexual. And in the queer community, younger adults, and people on the autism spectrum, the percentages are slightly higher.
By shedding light on this often misunderstood sexual orientation, we can better understand not only those who identify as asexual, but also the infinite nuances of intimacy, connection, and love.
What is asexuality?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which one has little or no sexual attraction to others. This doesn’t mean that asexual people can’t experience love, intimacy, or connection. Nor does it mean that they want to be celibate by choice or avoid romantic relationships altogether.
Asexuality exists on a spectrum often referred to as the “ace spectrum,” which includes different types of attraction, desire, and relationship preferences. Some asexual people identify as aromantic, meaning they do not experience romantic love, while others may form deep romantic bonds despite not experiencing sexual attraction.
People who are “graysexual” may experience occasional or situational sexual attraction, while “demisexuals” require a strong emotional connection before experiencing sexual desire.
While some people are completely clear about whether they are asexual, others may wonder if and where they fall on the spectrum.
Am I asexual?
If you’re wondering whether you might be asexual, working with an experienced therapist and using tests like the Asexuality Identification Scale test can help shed some light on your orientation.
Myths about asexuality
There are many misconceptions about asexuality. A common myth is that asexual people are repressed, traumatized, or “waiting for the right person.” This misunderstanding diminishes the legitimacy of asexuality as a sexual orientation and perpetuates harmful stereotypes. Being asexual is not the same as being celibate, sexually inexperienced, or uninterested in relationships.
Another common myth is that asexual people cannot have fulfilling relationships. In truth, many asexual people form deeply satisfying relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or somewhere in between. Like anyone else, asexual people may be looking for companionship, emotional intimacy, and shared life experiences. Some may even engage in sexual activity as an expression of love or mutual agreement with a partner, even though they do not experience sexual desire themselves.
Read: Good Sex with Emily Jamea: The Paradox of Desire >>
It is important to remember that most components of sexuality are fluid. This means that some people feel that their sexual orientation, gender identity and preferences change over time. Some people may feel like they fluctuate between feeling heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or even asexual throughout their lives.
Navigating relationships as an asexual person
A frequently asked question about asexuality is how it affects relationships. All healthy relationships start with honesty and communication, and asexual relationships are no different. If you are asexual, you may need to have open conversations with your partner about their desires and what intimacy looks like for them. This could include redefining traditional notions of partnership to prioritize emotional closeness, shared values or mutual support over sexual compatibility.
For asexual people in relationships with allosexual (non-asexual) partners, it is crucial to find a balance that takes into account the needs of both people. This could mean including compromise, creative expressions of intimacy, or exploring alternative relationship structures, such as consensual non-monogamy, so that the allosexual partner can satisfy their sexual needs. Ultimately, there is no magic bullet, but with mutual respect and understanding, deeply fulfilling partnerships are possible.
Community is important for everyone, but especially for sexual minorities. Online spaces like the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) and top local meetups offer opportunities for networking, affirmation and support. These spaces remind asexual people that they are not alone and that their experiences are valid and worthy of recognition.
On the way to more acceptance
There aren’t many asexual people represented in mainstream media, which can leave people who identify as ace feeling invisible and alienated. Sexuality is often portrayed as a universal and essential part of human existence, making it difficult for asexual people to be reflected in societal norms. This lack of representation can lead to self-doubt, internalized stigma, and difficulty coming to terms with one’s identity.
The good news is that visibility is increasing. Acceptance starts with education and empathy. Shows like Sex Education and public figures like asexuality activist Yasmin Benoit are helping to bring asexuality into the conversation. Greater representation helps promote understanding and acceptance. Whether you identify as asexual or are simply an ally, recognizing and affirming this identity enriches our shared humanity.
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