My dear friend had just visited a doctor who specializes in infectious disease. She called, ready to fill me in:
Me: So, what did she say?
Friend: Well, get this: It’s not MRSA or any other nasty infectious disease. (Big pause.)
Me: Well, what IS it then?
Friend: Long story, but it’s STRESS.
Me: What? All those weird sores in your nose and outside of your nostrils? How can that be?
Friend: I know, right? She looked at my history – my vulnerabilities – and then started with the usual questions: How long have you been feeling stressed? Personal, professional or both? What have you done about it so far?
Me: Oh geez…she picked right up on the fact that it’s chronic; you’ve been running on empty, and your body is reacting in a big way.
Friend: Yep.
I hurt when someone I love hurts. You probably do as well. The best I could offer were my listening ears, my compassionate heart and my gently worded follow-up questions. I know my dear friend’s story. All of it. I also know that she does her best to stave off stress by doing what the experts recommend:
- Eating a healthy diet
- Engaging in daily physical activity
- Doing yoga
- Staying connected with others
- Praying or meditating
- Incorporating some “me” time
- Seeing the humor in things
Experiencing stress goes hand in hand with being human. But, there are times when stress is unrelenting – especially when it is in reaction to things, people or circumstances that cannot be changed. Such is the case with my friend. At least for right now. She will begin a course of medication to address her current symptoms and will continue to pursue the good habits that are already in place. And, she will condition herself to practice “The Four A’s of Stress Relief”: avoid, alter, accept, adapt.
Understanding The Four A’s of Stress Relief*
Avoid
Sometimes, it’s the little things that get under our skin. So, ask yourself: How can I make this situation a little less unpleasant or annoying? If you can’t change something, you can at least get creative about how you can work with it. Maybe you have a long commute to work. Can you change your hours to avoid the rush? If not, can you use that drive time to listen to books on tape, or maybe call your mother? Or, if that’s too stressful (sorry, Mom!), call a friend. If a co-worker is the stressor that gets under your skin, be polite and collaborative, but find ways to limit interaction. And, let’s not forget the power – and the appropriateness – of “no” when you are stretched too thin.
Alter
Clearly state your expectations and your limitations. “I’m happy to sit with your kids once in a while when you need help, but I am not available every week.” I have a friend who likes to talk at length on the phone a few times a week. That doesn’t work for me, so I told her that I can commit to most Saturday afternoons and then try her during the week as well if I have time. Clarity minimizes mixed messages and hard feelings.
Accept
Some things cannot be controlled or changed. Every one of us is faced with the challenge of learning how to live with this simple truth. We can lessen stress when we let out our feelings by talking to a friend or relative we trust. It can also be very beneficial to work with a therapist whose goal is to help you manage your stress. Acceptance also means being willing to forgive. Remember that, most of the time, you and others have done their best. Forgiveness lightens the burden as well as the stress.
Adapt
Humans have survived and thrived by continually adapting. Think about how much you’ve adapted thus far! Successful adaptation involves learning to stop that “stressful situation tape in your head.” It also means letting go of perfectionism, focusing your attention on the good things in your life and, here and there, lightening the load you carry day to day. Maybe you lean into meals on repeat or ask for an extra hand or two with household chores. And, remember to take the long view by asking “How much does this matter in the scheme of things?”
*Adapted from the Mayo Clinic Health System postings.
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