You can look completely fine on the outside and still carry difficult experiences with you. Past grief, trauma, rejection, guilt, or relationship difficulties can persist and sometimes impact how we think, feel, relate to, and relate to the people around us.
As September marks National Suicide Prevention Month, conversations about mental health and suicide are important – not just when someone is in crisis, but long before it happens. Kgothatso Chilwane, a practicing psychologist at Netcare Akeso Kenilworth, explains what emotional baggage can look like, when it can affect your wellbeing and when it may be time to seek support. He also shares practical ways to deal with it and the signs that might mean someone close to you needs help.
In this article: What is emotional baggage? | Can emotional stress increase the risk of suicide? | 5 Steps to Cope | Mental Health Warning Signs | Support
“We all carry emotional experiences, beliefs and unresolved difficulties from the past, and these can continue to influence the way we feel, think and interact with others in the present,” says Kgothatso.
What is emotional baggage?
“Emotional or psychological baggage can include unresolved grief, trauma, guilt, shame, rejection, disappointment, loss or painful experiences from previous relationships or family environments. Traumatic experiences can stay with us for a long time, but this weight does not have to determine our future, and we do not have to carry these burdens alone,” he says.
The influence of emotional baggage on mental health
When people do not deal with painful experiences and these experiences continue to distress them, they can affect self-esteem, relationships, and the ability to cope with everyday challenges. When difficult emotions are left unprocessed or unspoken, they can also begin to interfere with functioning and well-being, especially if these feelings persist or become unbearable.
Chilwane points out that everyday circumstances can place significant strain on our emotional resources. Financial difficulties, family responsibilities, relationship conflicts, academic stress, job insecurity and loss can contribute to this stress. “Carrying overwhelming or chronic stress day after day can lead to anxiety, depression, irritability, sleep problems, poor concentration and a feeling of hopelessness that is difficult to endure,” he says.
Why trauma can continue to affect you
“People who have experienced traumatic experiences may feel anxious, sad, angry, more anxious, or more alert than before. For many, these reactions tend to become less intense over time, but for some, the effects may persist and begin to disrupt their relationships, work, and daily functioning.”
“Mental wellbeing is not separate from the realities of everyday life. Being aware of what we wear can be an important first step towards understanding ourselves and seeking appropriate help when needed,” he says.
READ MORE: How the ‘Imbokodo’ myth became a psychological burden for South African women
Can emotional stress increase the risk of suicide?
Difficult living conditions can lead to emotional stress and can sometimes increase a person’s susceptibility to suicidal behavior. However, Chilwane explains that it is too simplistic to assume that a mental health crisis is due to a single event.
“People often ask why someone becomes clinically depressed or what motivates a person to take their own life. But in reality, when mental health is so complex, this question cannot be reduced to a single factor or set of circumstances,” he says.
“It’s not always easy to tell when someone is struggling with their mental health. People react differently to similar situations, and things like social support, previous experiences, coping skills and access to resources can impact how we navigate difficult times,” he says.
“Supportive relationships, healthy coping mechanisms and appropriate professional care can be helpful in dealing with the impact of any stressors a person may be carrying. There doesn’t have to be a crisis for someone to seek professional support,” says Chilwane.
“If you are feeling overwhelmed or your stresses are impacting your daily life, your relationships, your work, your studies, or your ability to care for yourself, it may be helpful to speak to a mental health professional. By developing emotional awareness and coping mechanisms, psychotherapy can help deal with difficult emotions and their impact on us overall,” he explains.
“Just asking how our loved ones, friends and colleagues are doing can be extremely meaningful to someone who is feeling isolated and unsure how to show they need help. In some cases it can even be life-saving.”
READ MORE: Regulating the Nervous System: 5 Calming Practices to Relax – Without Meditation
5 psychologist-approved tips for dealing with emotional baggage
Step 1: Define what you carry with you
Sometimes people try to minimize or avoid difficult emotions. Taking the time to identify whether you are feeling sadness, fear, anger, shame, stress, or loneliness will make these experiences easier to understand and communicate.
Step 2: A shared burden
Talk to someone you trust. During difficult times, being social and having support is invaluable. Find a trusted friend, family member, or professional to talk to for support. Call Netcare Akeso’s 24-hour crisis hotline on 0861 435 787 to speak to a trained counselor at any time.
Step 3: Take care of the essentials
Maintain healthy routines such as regular sleep, physical activity, and other forms of self-care. General well-being supports better coping, while relaxation and stress management techniques can be helpful.
Step 4: Beware of unhealthy coping mechanisms
Alcohol or drugs can temporarily numb emotional pain, but can lead to additional problems and have a long-term negative impact on mental health.
Step 5: Focus on what is possible
When life feels overwhelming, breaking problems down into smaller steps and focusing on what can be solved now can help restore a sense of control.
READ MORE: Science makes the case for why you should let go of that grudge now
Signs someone is struggling with their mental health
“You don’t always say it when you’re struggling with your mental health,” says Chilwane. Here are common signs that a person may be having problems:
- Withdrawing from friends and family
- Loss of interest in activities enjoyed in the past
- Changes in sleeping or eating behavior
- Increased irritability
- Difficulty concentrating
- Loss of performance at work, school or home
Suicide warning signs you shouldn’t ignore
“When someone expresses hopelessness or a desire to die, these are warning signs that should always be taken seriously, especially when perceived alongside other signs of concern,” he says.
Talking about the desire to die, withdrawing from others, giving away important possessions, saying goodbye in unusual ways, taking increased risks, or increasing alcohol or drug use may be signs that a person is considering suicide and requires urgent action. Help the person seek professional support and never leave them alone.
READ MORE: Things you (probably) didn’t know about antidepressants – and depression
Support someone who may be struggling
“It’s also OK to ask them directly if they’re thinking about harming themselves or ending their life. Asking someone about suicide doesn’t mean putting the idea in their head. People who are thinking about suicide or self-harm may have been having these thoughts for some time,” says Chilwane.
“Let us remember that difficulties do not always look like sadness. Some may become quiet, angry, very anxious or strangely distant. And others may continue to carry out their duties while suffering great distress in private. That is why it is so important to be truly attentive, to notice changes and to regularly check in with the people around us.”
Do you need support?
If you or someone you know is struggling, support is available. You don’t have to wait until you’re in crisis to provide help.
- In the event of a mental health crisis, call 086 143 5787 24 hours a day for emergency support. Psychiatrist consultations can be carried out via Netcare appointmed™, online at netcareappointmed.co.za or by telephone on 086 055 5565.
- Visit sadag.org or call 080 0567 567 for mental health support.
- Visit Lifeline South Africa or call 0861 322 322 for support.