With the holidays around the corner, Jenna Jonaitis pulls out her spreadsheets to make sure she doesn’t miss a gift, meal or party. With a husband, four children under 8, and a large extended family, she is determined to stay on track for the holiday marathon.
Jonaitis chooses, buys and wraps almost all of the gifts. She is also responsible for the mental and physical labor required to prepare holiday meals and deliver them to Grandma’s house. Then it’s time to decorate. This is all on top of her already overloaded daily tasks such as school events, homework, meal preparation and endless appointments, not to mention keeping the children busy, busy and happy during the school holidays.
“That’s a lot,” Jonaitis said.
Throughout the year, women spend twice as much time as men cooking, cleaning, shopping and planning for their families. When you add in the unpaid physical, emotional and mental labor that women undertake during the holidays, it’s no wonder we’re exhausted.
“We have been conditioned to bear the brunt of mental stress, and that can have negative consequences,” said Colette Fehr, LMHC, LMFT, NCC, therapist and relationship expert.
If planning, organizing, buying, packing, shipping, and constantly thinking about everyone else gives you a resting Grinch face, you’re not alone.
Here are 4 tips to keep your tinsel from getting tangled this holiday season.
Get the whole family involved
Women are the magicians behind the magic of Christmas. If we don’t hang the stockings, cook the turkey, or wrap the presents, it probably won’t happen. This often means we have to put our own needs aside to ensure everyone else has the perfect experience. But this can lead to stress, fear and resentment, said Fehr.
To ensure the holidays remain joyful and enjoyable for the entire family, including you, Fehr suggested asking for help. “Be very specific and delegate. It’s not selfish. It’s an act of self-care.” By asking everyone to participate, you take some of the pressure off and promote equality in the household.
- Write and delegate tasks clearly
- Tell your family that the holidays are a team effort
- Make sure you and your partner have the same vacation-related responsibilities
- Decorate and wrap gifts together
Have an honest conversation about expectations
Setting ground rules helps women feel stronger, Fehr said. Open and honest conversations about your needs, boundaries and vacation expectations also strengthen the bond with your family.
- Communicate your needs
- Share your feelings before you get stressed
- Plan a day of rest and relaxation during the holiday rush
Redefine what “joy” means
Before you move on to the next item on your list, ask yourself whether it will bring you and your family joy. “Reconnect with your why,” Fehr suggested. Think about how important the items on your to-do list are and whether they are really necessary.
Perfectly wrapped gifts and a house that looks like Martha Stewart would live there may not bring back the memories you think. “Her family remembers the laughter, the joy and the conversation,” Fehr said. Chances are they won’t care if you choose not to set up an entire Christmas village in your living room. Instead, keep it simple and focus on the time together.
- Decorate as much as you want, not as much as you think you have to
- Reconsider commitments such as hosting and attending events. Ask yourself, “Does this bring me joy?” If the answer is no, really consider whether it is worth your time and energy
“Good enough” is your new mantra
Things go wrong. Turkeys are burned. Your table may not look like a spread from a glossy magazine. That’s all fine and part of creating lasting memories.
Fehr suggested starting the holiday season by asking yourself if your expectations are realistic.
Instead of trying to make the vacation perfect, aim for “good enough.”
- Let go of perfection
- Put your guilt aside
- Practice self-compassion
To have a truly memorable holiday season, “let go where you can, ask for help and enjoy the people around you,” Fehr said. This is how you bring joy back to your vacation.
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