English
When RoseMary*’s husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer 22 years ago, they were both very insecure and knew that the diagnosis could change their lives.
What they couldn’t fully predict was the extent to which the treatment would change their sex lives or that they would eventually learn to redefine intimacy together.
Her husband initially had a doctor’s appointment because he was urinating more frequently. He had tests, a biopsy and then was diagnosed with prostate cancer.
After weighing his therapeutic options, he decided on surgery to completely remove his prostate. RoseMary said they knew of the possibility of side effects with the procedure, including urinary incontinence and erectile dysfunction.
Her husband had both side effects.
More than two decades later, he still suffers from urinary incontinence and has never regained erectile function. But he no longer has cancer and doesn’t regret his decision.
“The dignity and grace of this man is impressive despite everything that has happened to him,” he said. “He’s a Marine and I think that’s why he never once complained.”
For RoseMary, however, being the partner of someone with prostate cancer has taught her that surviving cancer is only part of the story. Couples also need to figure out what happens next, including dealing with changes related to sex, intimacy, and their relationship.
Prostate cancer treatment can impact sexual health
According to Nazanin Moali, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and sex therapist who has worked in the field for 15 years, changes in sexual health following prostate cancer treatment are relatively common. Depending on the person and the treatment, whether surgery, chemotherapy, or hormone therapy, changes may include erectile dysfunction, unpredictability of erections, loss of libido, changes in sexual desire, and difficulty experiencing orgasm.
Some people may find that the type of stimulation that worked before treatment no longer works.
This could cause couples to rethink what sex means to them.
“You can still have a healthy and rewarding sex life regardless of the clinical outcome,” Moali said.
The key, she explained, is a willingness to talk about what feels good, what has changed, and what each person needs, and to seek professional help from a sex therapist when needed.
Both people could feel pain
The physical effects of treatment are suffered by the person with prostate cancer, but the emotional, relational and sexual effects can impact the patient and their partner.
Moali said some women and couples she has worked with are very grateful that their partner survived cancer, while at the same time dealing with the pain of losing the sex life they had before treatment. Others are sexually frustrated but feel guilty admitting it.
Complicated dynamics can also arise when entering into sexual relationships. A man who experiences sexual dysfunction as a clinical result of treatment may feel shame or anxiety about his sexual performance. Your partner, on the other hand, may avoid initiating intimate moments because he doesn’t want to put pressure on him or make him uncomfortable.
And if a woman has also taken on the role of caregiver, the transition back to a love or sex life could be difficult.
These seemingly contradictory emotions, namely gratitude, sadness, frustration, pain, guilt and desire, can occur simultaneously, Moali said. Instead of repressing them, she encourages couples to recognize, understand and accept all of these emotions, express what they’re feeling, and talk about what sex and intimacy mean to them now.
RoseMary remembers experiencing some of these complexities.
Her husband still had sexual desire after the surgery, she said, but erectile dysfunction changed his perception of his sexual performance. She sensed his frustration and sadness, even if he didn’t talk about it directly.
“I needed a little motivation,” RoseMary said. “We found another way to be intimate.”
Over time, they learned to communicate differently and became more creative when it came to intimacy.
Read: Prostate cancer taught my husband and me what intimacy really is >>
Expand the definition of sex
For RoseMary and her husband, adapting meant deemphasizing sexual intercourse and finding other methods of giving and receiving pleasure.
“We got creative,” he said.
Massage, cuddling, and other forms of sexual stimulation became a more integral part of their relationship. This also happened with something much simpler: kissing.
“Now I could devour him with kisses,” RoseMary laughed as she spoke about her husband today.
He said they also relied on honesty, communication and even humor to find what worked for them.
Flexibility is something Moali encourages her clients to practice on a regular basis. He said it was important to engage in “sexual exploration.”
“There are different ways to experience an orgasm,” Moali explained. “Rather than defining sex solely as penetrative intercourse, couples can consider a much broader range of sexual and sensual experiences, including kissing, caressing, sensual massage, oral sex, mutual masturbation and sex toys.”
Encourages couples to think about the underlying meaning of sex in their relationship. Is it pleasure? Do you feel wanted? Connection? Sensuality? Once couples realize what they’re really looking for in sex, they may discover that there are many ways to achieve it.
Lee: Good sex with Emily Jamea [Buen sexo con Emily Jamea]:Restoring Sexual Intimacy After Prostate Cancer >>
Prepare for changes before treatment
For Samantha Karcher, those worries are still mostly about what might happen.
Her husband was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer after his PSA (prostate-specific antigen) test value gradually increased over the past few years, warranting further testing and a biopsy.
This couple finally decided to have surgery, which is expected to take place in October this year. Although your husband has not experienced any sexual changes, you have already spoken to your surgeon about the possibility of changing his sexual function.
Kartcher admits he feels insecure.
Her husband has always had a high libido, and although their surgeon gave them some peace of mind, there is no guarantee as to exactly how his body will respond to the treatment.
For now, Karcher is trying to support him without showing fear.
“I just want to support him in any way I can,” he said.
Moali said these pre-treatment conversations can help couples prepare. He encourages his patients to ask their doctors about possible side effects on their sexual health, as well as available treatments and resources, rather than waiting until a problem arises.
If experiencing sexual difficulties, couples can also request a referral to clinical professionals who specialize in sexual health or related treatments. Sex therapies can be helpful for couples to work on issues in the areas of communication, sexual desire, and intimacy, while medical providers can discuss therapeutic options for physical changes.
Communication can be one of the most important resources
RoseMary wants couples affected by prostate cancer to know that they don’t have to endure these changes in silence.
Counseling wasn’t something she and her husband sought specifically for his prostate cancer, but in retrospect she believes it can be important for couples who have communication difficulties.
His recommendation after 22 years is simple: Don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame your partner. And don’t pretend everything is fine when it isn’t.
“Try to be sincere and honest and identify what you really need,” she said.
This could mean that you miss sexual intimacy. It could be that you ask your partner what feels good instead of just accepting it. And it might be accepting that intimacy after prostate cancer isn’t quite the same as before.
Today, RoseMary says her sex life has changed, but affection and intimacy are still part of her marriage.
After everything they’ve been through, RoseMary doesn’t describe the impact of prostate cancer on their relationship as a hindrance. She prefers another word.
“Change”.
For women whose partners are just beginning this process, this distinction may be important. A change in sex life does not necessarily mean that it ends. With communication, flexibility, and support, couples can discover new ways to maintain closeness and learn new concepts to redefine what worthwhile intimacy is for them.
*His last name has not been disclosed for privacy reasons.
This educational resource was created with support from Bayer.
From your website articles
Related articles on the Internet